Time for the Friday Five!

1. What was the last song you heard?

That would be "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera, I like the song but its not a fave, it was just on the TV. Unless you count Drowning Pool's "Bodies" which I just heard on the advert for next weeks 'Alias'... rocking show.

2. What were the last two movies you saw?

At the cinema: The Ring, 8 Mile
On video: Dog Soldiers, Resident Evil

3. What were the last three things you purchased?

Ummm, a Mickey Sharpz liner tattoo machine, a cup holder (dont ask) and the Farscape S4.1 DVD box set.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?

Four?! I have to work, then its just vegging out baby!

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?

My mother, my brother, Rob Goodwin, Basil and my sister.

Friday five brought to you by FridayFive.org

All hail me, tattooing tribal queen. My blackwork just rocks. I did a 100% freehand (as in, no stencil or picture to work from) piece of tribal black on this guy's leg today to compliment a dragon he already had and it was f**king awesome. My lines were flawless.

Go me!

Otherwise today sucked. Once that piece of excitement was over with I then sat and stared at the wall for 5 hours until I could go home. Being a tattoo artist can sometimes involve a hell of a lot of sitting around chewing your nails. Its probably why we're all so stark raving mad and spend a lot of time shouting obsceneties out of the window at passers by and so on. Today Simon just stepped out in front of a car, held his arms out to his sides and started screaming... just for shits and giggles. Scared the life out of the woman driving. Funny though.

Myself, I cleaned, and I made needles which I can tell you know is the most horrendous job ever invented, whoeever decided tattoo needles should be made from scratch needs a f**king good kicking. I soldered my fingers together at least three times today, and thats just todays batch of needles. My hand is beginning to look like something out of 'Terminator'.

See you have to get (for a liner needle) three seperate teeny needles. You pinch them together, make sure theyre level, then solder the end. You then tack the needle all the way down with solder (you have about an inch of needle to hold on to total hence the burning fingers every time you miss the iron) then you have to attatch the needle to the needle bar which involves more soldering. Once thats doen you have to file it all down so its nice and smooth.
F**king bollocks job it really is, takes about 15 minutes per liner needle and 25 minutes per shader. If I average 5 tats a day... thats 10 needles I have to make the night before... and a whole lot of sticking my fingers together with lead free solder.

Ugh.

Sometimes I wonder why I do this... then I always remember... its because of the bleeding... oh yes, they bleed, and thats good.

;)

I just crack myself up, there was one from the archives widely regarded as a load of me talking shite. But what do you expect, I have nothing worthwhile to say. Well, nothing anyone would want to hear anyway. See I have many fun and fascinating theories on the world in general but I fear anyone reading them just implode when they see the words on the page. I have this sneaking suspiscion (thats a f**king awful word! how the f**k do you spell that? wheres my f**king dictionary? f**k!) that I think the things other people think, but theyre too scared to admit they think...

Like asylum seekers. I've said it before, they should all be thrown into an asylum and just left there for a year with nothing but the leather straps that are holding them down. If, after a year theyve had the good f**king sense to chew through the straps to use them as food, and theyve drank their own piss repeatedly, then we let them out of the asylum and hand them a one way f**king ticket back to their own country because obviously they have resources enough to be taking care of themselves out there.
If however they dont have the sense to eat the leather and drink the piss... they die... problem solved.

Did I ever tell you I wasnt a great humanitarian?

See, theres certain cases when I think yeah, okay, let the poor souls in. But right now, amidst all this bullshit going on... the last thing we need is more strange people we dont know coming into our country and taking all our things and bringing with them some anthrax and bombs. Its just not smart. And they take us for f**king granted. I mean I know we're so privilaged and shit, and all they have is sand and bad hair care... but c'mon.... who's blowing up shit? who's smuggling in ricin? we aint doing it to our f**king selves now are we.

There should just be a giant f**king hole... y'know, if I ever get into power thats exactly what i'm doing. There'll just be this massive f**king hole dug and everything I dont like can be tossed into it. Sort out all the f**kwits first, there'll be this global test. Everyone that fails... everyone that falls into the 'greasy, snidey, fast car driving twat' category... in the hole.
Cyclists... in the hole. I mean sports cyclists are okay but come on now... get the F**K OUT OF THE ROAD!!!!!
Traffic wardens... f**king hell... they can all go f**king in. What kind of an asshole do you have to be to be a traffic warden? whats the ad they answer?

"Do you like to rat in all your family and friends and strangers you dont know for a shitty paycheck? you do? then join us!"

Yeah thats just the guy you dont want to know. People say traffic wardens get a bad rep... my arse! who choses that f**king job?... in the f**king hole.

Anyone with the capacity to do that kind of thing... in the f**king hole.

Homophobes, racists, and kind of 'ists'... in the f**king hole you useless wastes of airspace.

TV Weathergirls... down the f**king hole, seriously... youre useless.

Who else?

F**king hell... its 5.02am and i'm talking politics to a journal. What kind of no life have I got?!

I havent slept in about 60 hours. Thats kinda cool and I think my rebel work for the week is well and truly done, yey me. Quite why i havent slept I do not know. Kinda a pain in the ass though because my hands have started to go numb and I cant feel my feet and I swear to god I saw the cat carrying an onion earlier.

I was having a wild old time in the kitchen earlier today which is just like, the scariest thing. I promise you if you hear of me stepping inside my kitchen the words "Run, RUN You crazy fools RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! come to mind.
I can burn cereal and set fire to salad. I'm that damned good.
Even the gods greatest invention the microwave, has not quenched my staggering shiteness in the kitchen area and just yesterday I was successfully blowing up microwave pizzas. I now also have two medium sized fires under my belt. Thatll go nicely with the collection of four large sized ones and several small ones. That is one thing I can create in the kitchen; fires.
Damn just everyone wants to be my boyfriend right now I can tell.
So anyway I was cooking, or at least trying to. I'm could give the middle east a run for their f**king money far as bio warfare goes. My soup is dire, and its from a can.
I cannot believe I managed to make good soup taste like coal.
Then again my ovens shite, its really really old so I could blame it on the cooker. It'll cook anything to incineration point within three seconds. You can just kinda show the plate of food to the outside of the oven and suddenly everythings on fire, thats how strong this oven is.
This oven even cooks bits of oven, like handles and stuff melt and then you have bacon risotto a la timer knob. Delicacy round these parts I can tell you. The plastic gives it a kind of chewy texture, I reccommend it.

Needless to say I do not do very much cooking around these parts but that leads to another problem. I'm a food snob. Maybe it came from my head waitress days (oh....how i miss them....f**king not) when everything came in funny stacks with truffles and lobster and saffron all mixed up and just looking great. These days I demand all food in a tower including soup.

And that leads me to a f**king pet peeve, that being gourmet restaurants and their meals. You go in there youre paying at least �80 per person before youve even ordered something. Youre so f**king hungry at this point because the restaurant is right in the center of london because its so fantastic, but youve had to park miles and miles away in like, aberdeen to walk the rest of the way because there were no spaces near by.
You get there ready to eat both of the two fat ladies if theyre whos cooking that night. You order, all thrilled like.
What arrives on your plate some three hours later?

A mushroom. Surrounded by a ring of what looks like strawberry sauce. Maybe if youre lucky a sprig of parsley. Theres not enough f**king food here to feed my hamster for a day, what the f**k am I paying huge amounts of money for?
So you finish your 'gourmet' meal in one bite and move on to the desserts and heres where things get really f**king disappointing because these desserts are the finest, the richest chocolate cake in the entire world.
How much do you get?
Think a piece the size of your thumbnail, again surrounded by the strawberry sauce and maybe a small blob of ice cream, about the same amount as you would get if you let the varnish drip one drip from a nail varnish bottle.

Oh yum. Consider me decidedly underwhelmed.

The afterdinner mint is more filling than the entire meal.

"Yes sir that'll fifty million pounds and the souls of your first three born sons, have a nice evening."

And thats it, youre shoved back out into the cold streets faced with your zillion mile walk back to your poxy car, hungrier than you were when you got there, several thousand pounds the poorer and owing your soul to satan...all for a meal the size of a pea that is apparently 'gourmet' and the best in the land.

Words do actually fail me. Anyone that dines at these places on principal needs taking out, stripping and hanging upside down from a tree for several years. Its pathetic.

Give me pizza hut any day.

F**k, give me timer knob soup flambe, at least its filling.

Who's hungry?

*Snarl*

Well, i've transferred all the posts over so... here we go with version 2 eh. Hope it all works *gulps*

[3/3/2003 3:12:31 AM | Jenna L]
My archiving system is officially bolloxed, i'm sure of it. I cant get it to re-publish shite... just keeps whittering on about some kind of template problem. I'm sure this is because I have altered this damned template so damned much blogger just doesnt like it anymore, it doesnt resemble anything even close to how the original template looked.
Ah well, fuck em.

Any ideas? anyone?

On to more pressing matters. Farscape ends this week in the UK, I am very upset. The scifi channel needs... in short... to be kicked in the ass until we can make burgers from their butts. It really is quite a fascinating story, if you like Farscape or not, the way the so called 'scifi' channel are handling themselves lately is a joke. A channel that set out to do one thing... as it says on the tin... show 'scifi'... has become as commercial as QVC and even less entertaining if thats possible. Now, I dont live in the States, but I own a farscape group and i'm pretty up to speed as to what has been going on over there with farscape and scifi... the more I hear, the more i'm sure Satan sold his soul to scifi, not vice versa.

This channel cancels one of only two shows it has going for it, after promising at least 5 seasons to the cast and crew it cuts them short at 4. No warning. The other show it supposedly has going for it is the piss poor, rip off unoriginal 'commercial not scifi anymore' show, Stargate.

Dont get me wrong, I loved Stargate the movie, Its a personal favorite. But I viewed three episodes of this so called television series and I was tempted to gnaw my own nipples off for some entertainment. I know it has a loyal band of followers, fuck knows why, but it does, so kudos to it. But... it just aint... scifi enough for my defintion of it. Which is probably why the scifi channel chose to keep it as their flagship show, and axe Farscape. The show made from scratch, not stolen from any movies, and widely regarded as the best thing to grace the scifi genre in centuries.

They axe it.

Okay, how very forward thinking... I suppose, its a decision only an extra terrestrial could have made! so I guess it does figure after all.

Still, months after we hear about this... I'm reading up on new shows coming along as replacements for all the good ones being axed (not only do we lose Farscape, we lose Buffy, Angel, Dark Angel... and we gain Taken... oh heaven help us if youre there, Taken. I've wiped my nose and found better storylines inside the tissue, really!) and I find out there was a choice between two shows at one point.
One show was your scifi show... set in deep space, an entrepid crew of a fancy ship take up residence on a planet or something. Your science fiction madness follows. Right?

Right.... it was turned down in favour of a show about robot vampires.
Oh good.

So why was the deep space 'scifi' show turned down?

Offical word from the scifi channel themselves is that the proposed show was, and I quote, "Too science fiction-ish".. for the channel. Robot vampires was better.

Whats wrong with this picture?

So, adding to my list of people who will be first against the wall when the revolution comes... scifi channel. Wankers.

[3/2/2003 7:10:51 PM | Jenna L]
I get the feeling my body is rebelling, it just doesnt seem to like me right now. I've felt uneasy, unsettled,a bit sick and a lot headachy for days now and its beginning to get on my nerves. Hence, my lack of anything very interesting happening on here of late.

Still, i've changed my notify list to something that involves me not having to do anything when I update, which is good, because i'm really THAT lazy.

I FINALLY have a copy of 'Resident Evil - The movie' ... i've waited so long. Now I cant wait for the DVD with extras.... aaaanyway, onwards with the Friday Five.

1. What is your favorite type of literature to read (magazine, newspaper, novels, nonfiction, poetry, etc.)?

I do love my magazines, I spend a lot of time with my nose in em. But mainly i like funny fiction or horror fiction.

2. What is your favorite novel?

The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring - J.R.R. Tolkien

3. Do you have a favorite poem? (Share it!)

I'm not gonna quote the whole of 'The Raven'...i'm sorry *L*

4. What is one thing you've always wanted to read, or wish you had more time to read?

Ummmm, i've read everything i've wanted to.

5. What are you currently reading?

Just finished 'The salmon of doubt'.. a tribute to Douglas Adams. I'm about to start "From a Buick 8" by Stephen King.... the master.

This Friday five brought to you by FridayFive.org

[2/27/2003 10:27:56 PM | Jenna L]
I f**king hate my co-worker Andy. He is the most... most infuriating person on the face of this entire f**king planet. I mean there isnt room enough or time enough to explain this to you in full and proper detail but this guy is an asshole of gargantuan proportions. For a start, he's the size of a f**king boat, I kid ye not. He's a wannabe Hells Angel. Two things hold him back from this. One... he has no bike licence. Two... The Hells Angels think he's a total wannabe and hence... will not spit at him if he's on fire. How do I know this? my fellow co-worker and my very, very good friend Simon is HA... and I get all the insider info.

Let me set a picture.

Andy is a grabbing asshole. He's out for himself, only himself. He is the kind of person that... if he saw a dead homeless person on the sidewalk, instead of reporting it... he would raid the guys pockets for change, take his shoes, coat and hat... and then walk off. The cost of the phonecall to report it would be too much.

He's a pissface, and he screws everyone he's ever met. He has no friends, everyone hates him because they all know full well that he will only be nice to them for as long as he can get something from them. If you can do something for Andy... get him cheap smokes... drugs... burn him free cd's, download him free stuff on your computer, fix his car... anything so he doesnt have to pay for it, then he is your shadow. he is the best friend you will ever have.

The second you cant do anything for him anymore, you might as well be slug trail. He wouldnt even look at you.

He hates me. Why? because I cant do anything for him. He likes Cliff (the boss) because... Cliff gives him his job and Cliff is also a bit daft and doesnt notice when Andy takes money from the takings box. And if Cliff does notice... he's too much of a pacaifist to say anything about it, so Andy gets away with it.
He likes Simon... (fellow tattooist) because Simon is HA... Simon can get him 'in' with the Angels, so he thinks. So his tongue is up Simons asshole so far he can taste the toothpaste.
He likes my mum (Liz... our front desk woman at the studio)... because she's an ex nurse and can give him medical advice when he needs it and also do errands for him.

Me?... I dont do anything for him. Mainly because I hate him. But my hatred of him came when he decided to treat me like shit... because I couldnt do anything for him. That man... tried his utmost, and still does today, to lose me my job. To go as far as to tell my co-workers things that arent true.
They dont belive him though, cause everyone knows he's a pissface.

It's been a long running feud, we just about tolerate each other most of the time but every chance he has to stick the knife in to me, he takes it. Wanker.

Well, today he took a step too far. And my dear Simon layed into him quite brutally. Told him to lay off of me.. and then teased him, saying 'youre gonna cry, arent you... you big girl... youre gonna cry'.... eventually Andy stormed out.

Classic


See, I could say this stuff to Andy but.. we just get into blazing rows and Andy pays no attention. But he respects Simon... so when it comes from him... Andy gets very, very ashamed.

*Sigh* it was a beautiful thing to see... I wish all of life could be as sweet.

Tee hee hoddle ha

F**KING BASTARD BUGGARY HTML!!!!! Get me Bill Gates!!! get me someone so I can kick their F**KING HEADS IN!!!!

[2/25/2003 11:14:50 PM | Jenna L]
This should be amusing, I just added a comments feature to these posts of mine. Who knows, might be a giggle. If it bores me shitless i'll just remove it.

See this is what happens when I get bored, I start playing with silly little toys I dont understand, this html larky is just asking for a good bitch slapping it really is. But we've been at this rant already.

Fuck me sideways with a garden gnome I am sick to fucking death of hearing about Michael bastard Jackson. I mean who gives a donkeys ass? Its obvious to me now that it was one big publicity stunt, Michael's career has gone down the pan? hmmmm, how do we get him back in the spotlight? well, controversy and court cases always do that. and oh shock horror, his record sales have doubled!!

Fucking asshair. They all need spanking, the whole lot of them. No surgery... pfffffft.

One way ticket to hell please...

[2/22/2003 11:28:59 PM | Jenna L]
What a long, pigfuck of a day.
It is safe to say today has sucked the biggest, hariest kind of ass it is possible to get your mouth around and suck upon. Complete with sweat. It was just so long and tedious and full of the kind of dumbfuck ignoramis you'd hate to meet along in a dark alleyway.
I wasted a perfectly good... neigh, absolutely brilliant tattoo on this dumbass twat today. He and the group he was with (about seven gormless looking wankers) must have shared half a braincell between them. He and his ugly-ass girlfriend had their first tattoo's and the whole way through he's going "babe... babe.... babe... oi.... does it hurt? babe? babe! .... babe... oi babe... hey babe.... hows yours feeling?... babe? ow... babe? oi.... hurt? ... you okay?.... babe?..... babe, babe, oi! babe.... you listening? hey, babe... babe... oi babe... is it okay? babe.... mine hurts.... oi babe.... hey babe... oi you listening to me? babe?.... hey babe?... babe?... everything okay babe?...." and so on for an entire fucking hour.

Sweet crap... it hurt my brain, and I was angry at myself for doing such a good job. Because its wasted on the bender it really is. I began to tell him how to look after it and he just nods and goes "yeah cheers babe" and walks off.
I grab him again in the waiting room to try and tell him how to look after it, he just throws money at me and cuts me off mid speach and says "yeah babe, cheers"... and walks out the door.

Fucking wanker.

And you can bet your life he'll be back next fucking week when all the fucking color has dropped out of it cause he hasnt taken proper fucking care of it and it now looks like shit and he's walking about with a piece of MY work on it displaying it to his mates and it looks like FUCKING SHIT but its all his fault not mine cause he never listened to take care of it PROPERLY!!!! *pants...*

Asswipe.

Then I had to sit until 7pm on a three hour piece of blackwork that just did my fucking head in, I tell you some days I rue the moment I decided to get out of fucking bed I really do, I mean is it worth this aggro?

I am Jacks overwhelming irritation

1. What is your most prized material possession?

Ummmm, my widescreen/flatscreen TV and my long leather jacket.

2. What item, that you currently own, have you had the longest?

Uuuh, probably my computer, its been with me forever.

3. Are you a packrat?

A what?

4. Do you prefer a spic-and-span clean house? Or is some clutter necessary to avoid the appearance of a museum?

A nice amount of clutter, but I do like to have everything in its place... so, tidy clutter (WTF?)

5. Do the rooms in your house have a theme? Or is it a mixture of knick-knacks here and there?

The living room is a movie theatre. Theres a wall filled with my video collection (800+) and a bookcase filled with DVDs and books. The TV... and a large couch for watching movies on.
Everything else.... nahhh, kinda... wiccan esque I guess.

These questions brought to you by FridayFive.org

[2/22/2003 12:14:10 AM | Jenna L]
THE RING ~ A review

On a scary scale 1 - 10... i'd rank it a 2. On a cool scale... i'd rank it a 9... very cool movie, but just... not scary as far as i'm concearned. But then i'm hard to scare.

A bit of space before my cool moments, so as not to spoil.


S


P


A


C


E



Coolest moment goes to the turnaround ending when you think its all over, and then the dead girl switches on the TV again, crawls out of the well on screen.... gets closer and closer to the screen while the guy is watching... and then crawls OUT of the television and stalks toward him. VERY cool effect, in fact, possibly going down in my 'all time best movie moments' top 10.

Most disturbing moment goes to the ferry scene... and i'm a huge horse lover. The horse freaks out when she touches it in its trailer, goes beserk, kicks the door down, charges at her... she ducks, and the horse jumps over the side of the ferry, smacks into the ship on its way down and splashes into the water where it begins to thrash and squeal until its hacked up by the propellor blades. I hated that... and it was SO realistic if I didnt know better i'd say they'd actually done it to a real live horse. Freaky.

Lamest moment.... wasnt really one.... only thing I found a touch cliche were the kids drawings, seen it all before.

All in all, excellent movie. The rest of the viewers were jumping out of their seats and some people actually screamed, believe it or not.... I wasnt remotely freaked out, but i was very entertained.

See it.

[2/20/2003 10:19:11 PM | Jenna L]
Do you ever get those days where you just feel kinda... blah.
Well i've been having one of those weeks. Cant seem to get any strength up, or any real enthusiasm for anything which is really scary considering... I can usually swear like a trooper and yet today, the best I could come up with as a retort at work was "You... stupid... person."

How pathetic.

I just couldnt be bothered to come up with anything more, and then i fell asleep in one of the chairs which most likely put the fear of god into my customer when he came in to find me napping. Yawning all the way through his tat.
Perhaps i'm coming down with something. I wonder if theres the 'yawn till your jaw aches and nap randomly syndrome'?

If there is, put me down on the sufferers list, I need meds.

Crap.

[2/18/2003 9:30:07 PM | Jenna L]
Hmmm, how bored am I? I just added a shitload of links. Peruse at your pleasure I guess.

This is getting silly, my life is becoming mundane to the point that i'm actually running out of things to bitch about that I havent already bitched about, its kinda sad when that happens. I might actually have to start being nice about stuff which.... I shudder at the thought.

Still, Michael Jackson... he could use a good kicking eh...

Ho hum

[2/16/2003 7:17:57 PM | Jenna L]
In the immortal words of Withnail in one of my fave movies 'Withnail and I'....

I think I ought to go outside, I feel unusual.

Dont know whats the matter with me, ive felt strange since last night and I have no idea why. Unsettled perhaps. its really beginning to piss me fucking off.

Grrrrrrr

[2/16/2003 7:01:31 PM | Jenna L]
Belated Friday five:

1. Explain why you started to journal/blog.

I was bored, very bored and I had stumbled accross a few by mistake, and it just seemed like something to do.

2. Do people you interact with day to day or family members know about your journal/blog? Why or why not?

Those friends and family that are regular net users know about it, dont know if they read it, I know some do. Those that arent net users... dont.

3. Do you have a theme for your journal/blog?

What, aside from ranting? probably not.... speaking your mind perhaps.

4. What direction would you like to have your journal/blog go in over the next year?

Hmmmmm, pass.

5. Pimp five of your favorite journals/blogs.

Oooooh, my absolute fave is Goldfish, Speaking ... she just cracks me up.

Then an old friends journal: Lorina.net

New kid on the block Ashley.

This girl I recently discovered and she's really funny... Miggie. in fact, I have to add her to my links list.

And another new kid on the block, MT_Hed... another to add to my list.


Todays Sunday Friday five brought to you by the website FridayFive.org



[2/14/2003 11:20:15 PM | Jenna L]
On another note, i've just added a new link to my list. The diary of a gal called Ashley who has just starte dup a rather amusing blog... check it out. :)

Your friendly neighbourhood linker

[2/14/2003 11:11:19 PM | Jenna L]
Okay, allow me to get all serious for a second.

*glares at those that are snickering*


Oh fuck you... just, let me be serious okay :-P

Serious issue. My opinion on uber slut Christina Aguilera has changed dramatically as of today. I heard this song on MTV and it blew me away. As someone that knows all about this kind of thing... having been there meself (could it be why i'm such a bitch these days? who knows *L*) ... it was kinda weird hearing it sung about. But, its so beautifully done, and I didnt know she had it in her. So, Christina... I salute you girl, youre okay by me.

Christina Aguilera - I'm OK

Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Everytime my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming 'please no more'
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday

It's not so easy to forget
All the lines you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And every day I'm afraid to come home
In fear of what I might see there

Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK
I'm OK

[2/11/2003 8:38:07 PM | Jenna L]
Some random rambling...

I have such a headache its not funny. I really think I need an entire body transplant. There's not one single part of me left that works properly ... waah wahh wahh whinge whinge right?

Bollocks. Breaking my own rules again.

Its been one year exactly since I gave up smoking! yey me!

Work tomorrow. Wonder what kind of stupid asshair i'll get in my chair? Oh no... wait... joy of joys, the big smelly greek man is booked in tomorrow. Behold my excitement. God he stinks. There are skunks out there that would pay good money to smell like he does. I dont think he's ever heard of the word 'bath'...
When I gave him his tattoo aftercare last time I told him not to soak his tat in the bath.
he looked at me like i'd just shot baked beans out of my nostrils into his eyes.

I then told him to get a mild, non scented soap, i thought he was going to have a breakdown.

Why do I do this job?

Because it makes people bleed... thats why.

Satisfied smile

[2/11/2003 6:50:29 PM | Jenna L]
At the moment i'm...

Wearing -- Black combats, 'Yuck Fou' top
Listening To -- 'Ich Will' - Rammstein
Doing -- updating this
Last Ate -- Bacon pasta
Last Drank -- Pepsi
Learning -- Sumi shading (Tattoo style)
Be Glad When -- I get my mothers birthday prezzie sorted
Last Cinema Movie -- 8 Mile
Last Home Movie Watched -- American Psycho
Last Satellite Movie Watched -- Zoolander
Last TV Show Watched -- Charmed
Last Game Played -- Pinball on PC
Lusting -- Vin Diesel... as usual
Thinking About -- This headache
Wishing -- I didnt have a headache
Last Wrote -- Some RPG
Last Bought -- Some wrapping paper
Repetitive song in my head -- "Rock the boat" by Aaliyah
Repetitive quote in my head -- "As my lawyer I think you ought to know, i've killed a lot of people!" - Pat Bateman, American Psycho

[2/11/2003 3:14:33 AM | Jenna L]
Holy lack of updates batman!!

Michael Jackson. Theres a wonky old fucker if ever I saw one. No surgery? Pfffffft, bollocks. No surgery my ass. I know he lives in a dream fantasy land where boys are real boys and captain hook would make a good date but come the fuck on... no surgery?

I'm sorry but, nature just isnt that cruel. Man, you are the kind of ugly people pay for. And so white! whiter than a white cat in a snow drift on the planet 'im-so-white-i-couldnt-be-whiter,-dayum!'... white peopel arent that white! and people with that disease he claims to have, do not get patches that WHITE.
I'm white... i'm not that fucking white, and I dont do sunshine, ever. I'm pasty. I'm probably as pale as a human being can get.
And i'm not a patch on him.

Wonky old fucker.

Likes to sleep with kids?

Well *scratches fake plastic beard thats pinching her nose*

Y'know, i dont buy the whole 'hes a paedophile' thing. I dont. I think hes too fucking stupid. I dont think he knows what his penis is for. I think he probably doesnt know its for anything more than pissing out of, personally. I mean he hasnt grown up in any other sense. Why would he grow up there?

What really gets me is this.

All this uproad about him being a paedophile, well, excuse me, but where is he getting these kids FROM?!
Whos parents let their kids go off with an unknown rich weirdo in a castle for the night?!! even if he is a child molster... WTF?! the parents should be frikin well strung up!

Anyway, this entirely too much like me actually taking an interest in news stories. Like this whole fucking war deal.

Oh give me a tossing break you bunch of loons. Leave each other the fuck alone. This is pathetic. Give me five minutes alone in a room with Bush, Blair, Hussein and Bin Laden... i'll sort em the fuck out. Theyll be crying like bitches by the time i'm done.

As for asylum seekers coming into england, only to turn on us? well fuck you and all. Here's what should be done, they should be just that... thrown in an asylum with no food, just straight jackets. If they have initiative enough to chew through the straight jackets to keep themselves nourished and eventually escape, then they get a ticket back to their own country because obviously theyre intelligent enough to live in it and survive. If they dont... well theyre dead. End of fucking problem.
Religious intolerance?
Fuck it. In the uk right now the dominant religion (and im not a religious person in any way but this has my hackles up) christianity is now being taken off the streets, in case it offends muslims or what have you. EXCUSE ME?! this is ENGLAND!! and theyre allowed to have marches through london in honour of Bin Landen and blowing england up... and we're not allowed christmas decorations in the streets?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?!

I'm not allowed to fly my own countries flag, but theyre allowed to fly theirs?!?!

Well fuck me with a small garden gnome... i'm at a loss.

Here's the answer though. If they protest about their god so much... let em into the country, get a wall, nail em all to the fucking wall with a great big staple gun. And just say 'there... let him sort that lot out if hes so fucking superior... you twat.'

Ahem.

Okay so, im not against any religion... i dont care what people do in their spare time, you could worship dung beetles for all i care. So just carry on. What i do care about is freedom in my own country being taken away by people from another one. Its pathetic. And england is as much to blame as the people coming into it causing the problems.

World needs an enema, flush out all the shit.

You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake!
[edit]

[2/11/2003 2:15:23 AM | Jenna L]
This things really beginning to get on my pissing nerves. Y'know why I havent updated in so long, or at least, do so very very little?

because this thing has become hellish to use. Grrrrrrrrrr. Keeps giving me error messages and yotz with my template files when I know theyre all fine its just blogger having a mare cause they cant keep up. *smacks it*

Aaaaaanyway. I'll keep on keeping on. Gotta get there some time right?

I hate technology.

To make a mistake is human, to really fuck things up you need a computer. between me and this we could really fuck up the entire world.

[1/10/2003 7:33:51 PM | Jenna L]
I have come to the somewhat underwhelming realisation that technology is in fact out to get us. How do I know this?

Because, I just do okay. Dont argue.

Today my boss decided it was about time Rawhide got a computer to put all of our designs on it. Christ on a f**king bike this man cannot make a decision even if you have a plug up his ass. Its like he's in a permanent state of being not plugged in. He's just waiting for someone to flip the 'on' switch so he'll suddenly activate.
Sadly not one of us has the faintest f**king clue where this mythical switch is, so he remains, unplugged, and as useful as air conditioning in a field.

Does he want a computer? or does he want a colour photocopier?

it takes three hours to thrash this one out. In the end I grab his hand and force him to the computer shop where we proceed to spend another three hours argueing. I'm on the side of a photocopier instead, I just dont think he'll use the computer really. I think it'll just sit there gathering dust bunnies wishing someone with an 'on' switch had purchased it instead.
But no he's determined. The computer has buttons and pretty colours see. he's never seen one before (I kid you not) and so its all fascinating to him.

So, after much argueing, he buys the computer. We get it back to Rawhide, its up to me to put it all together. big f**king shock there huh boys and girls. Cliff meanwhile sits down opposite offering handy hints and tips out of the wrong instruction manual, although he insists its the right one he just cant work out why the computer doesnt have a dial tone (because its not a mobile phone, like the manual he's reading)

I put it all together. Lo and behold we're missing two cables.

Back to the computer shop, pick up the cables. Get back. Printer doesnt work, its busted.

Cliff though, insists its not busted, and he proceeds to go at it with a screwdriver. I'm not sure why he's doing this, but he just f**ked his garuntee and he will not listen to me when I tell him that will happen. he just gets gung ho, removes some plastic and then takes it back.
They tell him he's busted it.
He has to BUY a whole new printer *sigh*

Back to the computer.

Oh god I leave him alone with it for five seconds and hes managed to install everything in portugese. I cant even spell portugese (can I?!?!) let alone read it.
Now I have to uninstall everything, and re-install in our actual language. When I ask Cliff why he picked portugese he told me he thought that was just a font. He thought it would look pretty.

*Bashes head on table*

In the end, i'm sure both the computer and I had just had enough, and we both switched off. Which is pretty good considering the boss is terminally switched off.

I hate technology. I hate pointless days more.

Ugh.

"www.WHATTHEFUCK?!?!.com

[12/27/2002 1:42:52 AM | Jenna L]
Well f**k me with a rusty clawhammer I havent written anything in here for fekking ages. I guess i got really lazy, that and life just got so incredibly mind numbing. You wouldnt believe what craps gone on with me over the past few months, one day there'll be a really soppy movie about it, but knowing my luck it'll probably star Jennifer Lopez... or if my lucks really crap (which it is) Roseanne Barr *shudder*...

Either way, it'll be a talentless hack that looks nothing like me. Story of my life.

Anyway I wont bore you with the bleetings of my insane excuse for an existance this past few months. Just wish you all a Merry F**king Everything.... and tell you all I think when I saw "The Two Towers" and Legolas jumped backwards onto that horse.... I found the female equivalent to viagra.

I need a moment alone, excuse me.

Toss me... but dont tell the Elf
[edit]

[7/18/2002 10:59:25 PM | Jenna L]
Dieting.

Been considering it. Chewing it over and over and pondering over whether or not I think I need to. So i'm not skinny....kinda like to be you can wear fun clothes. But i'm not fat..far from it. I'm just, well built.
I am happy with the way I look, I kinda like being me. But I still have that desire to be able to wear a dress like Milla Jovovich does in my current favorite movie 'Resident Evil' or fit into the skimpy leather pants Michelle Rodriguez does in the same movie.

But....with all that good intention behind it I just get to thinking.
Dieting is a tool used by the goverment to make women feel bad about themselves and thus get them to pour millions into dieting products and systems and hence throwing money into pockets of corporate bastards.
How very political. But...I believe it to be true.
In a perfect world everyone would just look at themselves and go 'so I have a bit of a lose edge on the thigh. Big frelling deal i've got better things to do than work it off'...and everyone would be body happy.

I tried dieting once. I did.
It lasted about thirty minutes before I got annoyed and said; "F**k this for a laugh pass me that cake."

So I want to lose a little weight. I guess I could.
I could hardly excercise more than I do what with my Tai Chi and Boxing and Kickboxing every week. But maybe I could eat less.
But I cant help feeling like 'why should I?'
I like food. I like donuts and cake and bacon and pizza and fizzy drinks and chocolate, dammit. I will have it because I want it because it tastes nice and f**k it its better than stomach cramps from hunger pains when all youve had to eat all day is a grape with the f**king skin off just in case theres an extra 0.1 of a calorie in said skin, and then going and ramming your fingers down your throat to rid yourself of the grape because you feel so bad.
I'm sorry if i'm not fashionable or whatever but FUCK-THAT!

I want a f**king donut and dont get in my way. Bollocks to dieting.

Twiglets and chocolate and meat oh my!....
[edit]

[7/3/2002 1:12:52 AM | Jenna L]
Or hamsters. Or they could be plotting together.
Earlier I watched three pigeons do a 'riverdance' esque skit upon the top of a roof accross the road, perfectly timed movements and as they did it, two cars smashed into each other as if on cue. And the pigeons stopped their dance, and watched.
They were gloating.

Or maybe i've had one too many coffee's today....
[edit]

[7/3/2002 1:02:23 AM | Jenna L]
I fear the universe is secretly run by pigeons.

More news later...
[edit]

[7/1/2002 11:46:56 PM | Jenna L]
I'm losing my mind in the most literal sense. It's actually quite worrying because my tolerance for people has just plummeted. I mean I know I've always said in the past that I just cant stand the mass f**king gross stupidity displayed by almost the entire population around me on a daily basis, but i've always said it with my tongue in my cheek cause y'know....the MiB saying of "A person is smart, People are stupid" has kinda been a mantra.
But just recently, i'm losing it.
I've gone from infinite f**king patience to absolutely none. All trace of the faux politness I used to posess...its f**ked right off.
I'm having to caution myself now, keep my tongue in cheek.

It's working with people y'know, thats what it is. Day in day out dealing with some of the dumbest motherf**kers this side of anywhere.

"I want a tattoo."
"What do you want?"
"I dont know but can it glow in the dark?"
"............"

"Ohhhh, is that buzzy thing the tattoo machine?"
"No its a chicken."

"But why doesnt it stand out?"
"Why doesnt what stand out?"
"The tattoo?"
"Because its inked into your skin."
"Yeah but I thought it would kinda come out and look three dimensional."
"You wanted something to stick out of your skin?"
"Well..yeah thats the whole point aint it?"

"So what do you put on it?"
"Lasonil."
"Whats that?"
"Pile cream, but it'll heal your tattoo a treat."
"Oh right, but what do I put on the tattoo?"


"So what do you put on it?"
"Lasonil."
"Whats that?"
"Pile cream, but it'll heal your tattoo a treat."
"I dont have Piles though so will it still work?"


"So what do you put on it?"
"Lasonil."
"Whats that?"
"Pile cream, but it'll heal your tattoo a treat."
"What are Piles?"


"Is that it, wow that was so simple and didnt hurt a bit my friends such a liar!"
"No, that was just the stencil."
"Whats a stencil?"
"........"

All of the above are actual conversations and theyre just the tip of the ice berg I mean you should hear some of the crap we get in phone calls. Difference is I've gone from being smiley and patient with these people, to just snappish.
Its not really nice, but i'm beginning to wonder how it is these people live from day to day being that f**king stupid.

I wonder if they have manuals. And if they do, why didnt I get one?

Ground control to Major Tom.....

[6/20/2002 11:32:02 PM | Jenna L]
Holy crap there are some stupid f**king people in the world arent there?!
Place I work in, tattoo studio. Funnily enough its called Rawhide TATTOO STUDIO, being a tattoo studio and all.
But every single f**king day as if its a f**king religion or something. Someone is garunteed to phone up and i'll pick up that phone and politley say; "Hello Rawhide tattoo studio how can I help?"
And the moron on the other side will say; "Yes hello is that the tattoo studio?"

No, wanker, its a f**king sandwich bar now can I take your f**king order because i'm just dying to fulfill all your needs?!

We also get people come in sometimes, tattoo flash art all over the walls, people actually being tattooed in the work area...they march in and they go; "Do you do tattoo's?"
"No, moron, we fry pancakes!"

Others include the priceless...
Customer: I want a tattoo
Me: What kind?
Customer: I dont know. Just anything. Give me something.

How can you not know?! Give you something?! and you can bet your f**king ass the thing I pull out of that drawer of designs, he will turn his nose up at with an "Oh i dont like that."
WELL YOU F**KING ASKED ME TO FIND YOU SOMEF**KINGTHING!!!!!!!!

Still, these days i'm beginning to mellow. Now when I get people coming in asking if we "Have any tattoo's" I'll simply say "No sorry, sold out."

Useless gits.

And just for good measure, he'res more reasons why I hate people.


Things I Hate About Everybody Else...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when
I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F**king right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I
paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the f**king floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f**king does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, knobhead?

Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I posess.

[5/27/2002 3:41:39 AM | Jenna L]
Holy CRAP i'm a lazy cow.
Need to get my ass back in gear and start posting properly here. Its so f**king depressing i'm just losing contact with everyone I know online, I have no clue what my problem is but I think i need a bloody good spanking for being such a lazy biatch....

*crickets*
*crickets*
*crickets*

Ahem.

Anyways I havent got all that much to say. Well I have but theres far too much and i'm far too pissed off to even begin because if I do my head might just explode.

I'm pissed off for openers that one of my favrote shows Dark Angel has been cancelled without it even reaching a PROPER F**KING CONCLUSION!!!
What pile of horse shit is that?!
Someone will pay.

In other news, I decided it was time to open up a Buffy/Angel/Dark Angel mailing list/chat group whatsit thingy so if youre a fan and wanna come go nuts over these shows, join me here!

Seeya there maybe.

But only if youre nice...are you nice?...well are ya, punk?!
[edit]

[5/15/2002 4:54:29 AM | Jenna L]
No I cant help it, i'm totally in love.
You know i've adored Denis Leary since I saw him for the first time in 'Judgement night' - a fantastic little movie - but the moment I rested my eyes upon him I just thought, "The man is far too cool for words."
Then I saw him in 'Suicide Kings' and the obsession was born.

"I'm sick of talking about shoes, dont even talk about f**king socks to me!"

But it wasnt until I finally found a copy of his stand up show "No cure for cancer"....that I became hooked.
And now no matter how I look at it, the man is my idol. I get home, i'm pissed off?
Put on Denis and he will rant and rave and swear his way through an hour and a bit, and I will be laughing my ass off.

But tonight I finally heard it, the stand up show that was only ever released on CD, "Lock and load"

Oh lawdy I feel like i'm going to burst from laughing so hard. I cant cope.

And thats it, i'm in love *sigh* I havent had a crush on a star in years.

F**king bunch of girly bullshite...

you know what really f**king pisses me off about these CD?s, you f**king buy then and then you can?t f**king open them. But when you do open them it takes 15 minutes and f**king plastic you gotta cut that open first and then that takes like 5 minutes and then you gotta get that f**king little rubbery plastic strip thing that has, you know that?s stuck to the edge and you gotta peel that off that?s f**king stuck all over your fingers then you gotta cut that fucking silver f**king dog bone f**king... ~ Denis Leary
[edit]

[5/15/2002 4:34:56 AM | Jenna L]
Well buggar...

That is all
[edit]

[5/15/2002 2:48:10 AM | Jenna L]
I have made a decision to try and cool off a little and not get so worked up about things, if I continue to get royally pee'd off to the degree I do, I'll probably have a coronary by the time i'm thirty.
Just so tough when youre surounded by idiots.

At any rate, I'm going to have to think of something else to put in this journal now from time to time! :-/

*crickets*
*crickets*
*crickets*

I need a tumbleweed gif.

Well that was fun......

Ah, f**k it.

The best laid plans of mice and men.....mice.....and men....?????? well i've seen a lot of mens plans but how many mouse plans have there been throughout the centuries? sod all. Never have I seen the newspaper headline: "Operation Cheese Smuggle Foiled!"
[edit]

[5/12/2002 8:15:06 PM | Jenna L]
So I've calmed down a little since last entry. Taken a time out and gathered myself and tried really really hard to not actually cause harm to anything though i'm telling you with the way my street is right now I have been so very tempted.
I'm still bugged out by people always beign in other peoples business, but that subject will always be a pet hate of mine.

What is worrying me right now is the fact that people have let me cook.
This is a mistake.
I should never be even let near a kitchen let alone left to cook. Right now i'm sitting here watching something burn. Its quite fun.
See the trick is when somethings not cooking at all when youre watching it waiting for it to cook so you make sure it doesnt burn...the secret is to leave for 0.1 of a second to maybe, I dont know go get socks off of the washing line or something.
Because I can garuntee..no matter how long that stuff has been in the oven. Five seconds, five hours...five days. I can promise you when you get back from your mundane chore, you will have a bonfire on your hands.

Over the years I have become accustomed to eating charcoal. Its good, good for your digestion so I hear.

Thats what I keep telling myself, though i'm longing for some food that actually melts in the mouth, i'm tired of breaking my teeth on lumps of burnt weirdness.
Hell even my soup ends up crispy.

I need to go to cookery school. STAT.

So anyway thats my sunday, left alone to cook for everyone. I'm not sure if an apocalypse was scheduled for today but thats what youre getting, soon as I have to use the microwave for the corn...we can all kiss our asses goodbye.

With a pinch of salt and a little ground pepper you can make the world go BOOM
[edit]

[5/7/2002 10:50:10 PM | Jenna L]
F**k f**k f**kity f**k.
I hate people. I've said it before and I will damned well say it again I really hate people.
Answer me this: Why is it everyone has to be in every bloody other persons business?

The street I live on I'm sure is no different to the rest of the world, but the street I am on you cant f**king well go to the toilet without everyone f**king knowing about it five seconds later and the whispering beginning.

"Did she pee?"
"I dont know but I heard she's having an affair with a toilet roll!"
"*GASP*"

It drives me nuts.
Just the other week myself and my little 14 year old brother are walking down the street when this snotty brat twelve year old kid pipes up and asks us two complete strangers, "Are you two in love, do you snog hehehehe?"
"No, he's my f**king brother you moron." I snappishly reply.
"Dont swear at me i'll tell my mum," she replies all 'na na-ishly' with her finger to her nose.
"GOOD!" I snapped back, "Because then I can tell the stupid cow to tell her children not to talk to f**king strangers."

WANKERS.

I hate it, I hate that everyone always knows everyone elses business.
Just the other day someone said to me, "Ah well you cant do anything on this street without everyone else knowing about it."
WHY NOT?!
FUCK OFF!!

I dont give a shit about your poncy pathetic life you stupid sack wearing crap haired old witch, why the f**k do you give a shit about mine? Why is it so important that we know the woman down the street has had 3 partners in a month? Who gives a crap that Mr Jones got a new car?
Jealousy is all I can put it down to. Theyre just jealous that their lives are so pathetic and mundane and that theyre needy losers with faces like planks and no hope of ever getting anything other than shat on from on high in life. They have to get in everyone elses f**king business and then chatter about it.

F**K OFF YOU TOSSPIECES !!

For f**ks sakes.
I cant imagine anything more boring than sitting on your arse all day every f**king day watching the world go by and taking f**king notes about what your neighbours are doing. Christ on a f**king bike already.

Words fail me, but I tell you I am not surprised theres so many f**king people losing it these days and just going postal.

LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE YOU NOSEY BASTARDS!!!

Bloody bastard buggar bum....arse....and holes.

[5/3/2002 11:32:33 PM | Jenna L]
I think Mama Cass said it best when she said; "All the leaves are ACKKCARKKKACKKAKKKKKKGURGGGGGGGGKAAAKKKGRGACK"

I'm fine, How was your day?

[4/29/2002 6:49:30 PM | Jenna L]
Okay, which motherf**ker was it that came up with html?
I would really f**king like to know which sad old bastard one day sat in his poxy office or bedroom and came up with html.

"Oh its easy, oh its easy!"

F**k off, I hate people that say its easy, I've been trying to learn this shit for the past five years and I still havent got a clue, I dont know my "bbgcolorwhatethefuckeritis" from my "holycrapimadeitorange"'s.
I try, god dammit I try but its all just dutch to me and so f**King pointless. Why cant we just go "I want that picture there and this here and fuck it its done."
Oooooh no, every single little tiny weeny detail has to be written out.
Explain this.....
I want the color Blue for my background.
So instead of writing "Blue background" I have to write...

"html""body bgcolors= #CCFFCC""/htmlorsomethingidontunderstand""

WWW.BLOWME.COM

Explain this to me someone, explain it to me now. I want BLUE not CCFFCC, I want colors not letters and stupid hash strokes and f**king equals signs oh i'm really f**king happy now, thankyou. Thankyou for making this all so god damned easy!!
Bunch of tosspieces.

I mean really, what was he/she thinking? I don't get it. You know, I just don't get it. I missed the f**king point some place. The boat left and I wasn't on the boat. Explain it to me.
I know computers need to talk in computer language but which was the asshole that made computer language different from our own?

Bill Gates.
Theres an asshole, we can kill him for f**king openers I dont know if he is responsible for this monster pig f**k that is html but by Christ the man needs a kicking.
You know what I would like to do?
I'd like to shove Bill's head through a monitor displaying his windows-exploder-whatever-the-fuck-latest-program and then just sit back and laugh.

I'm going to hell for wanting that, but I think he deserves it. And i'm going to take everyone with me.
And you know what hell is. It's Yoko Ono, singing for eons and eons. And you have to wear orange flares and sit next to the Beach Boys.

Yes sir, I can boogie
[edit]

[4/28/2002 10:03:18 PM | Jenna L]

Denis Leary's definitive Rant on people that moan....namely...me


"I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would."
Hey! Join the fucking club, ok!?
I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Socks. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet, allright?!
"I'm not happy. I'm not happy."
Nobody's happy, okay!? Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate cookie, or a five second orgasm. That's it, okay! You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and go to fucking work, ok!? That is it! End of fucking list!
"I'm just not happy."
Shut the fuck up.
That's the name of my new book, "Shut the Fuck Up, by Doctor Denis Leary. A revolutionary new form of therapy."
I'm gonna have my patients come in.
"Doctor, I.."
"Shut the fuck up, next!"
"I don't feel so.."
"Shut the fuck up, next!"
"He made me feel so much better about myself, you know? He just told me to shut the fuck up and nobody had ever told me that before. I feel so much better now."

Whining fucking maggots.

[4/28/2002 9:53:28 PM | Jenna L]
Well bend me sideways, slap me silly and send me to Alaska. I havent updated this in forever.
Damn me to hell.
Just life being a total pissant and preventing me from having any kind of fun whatsoever. What is it with life doing that? Excuse me? did I miss the memo?

Dear Human,

You thought life was for the living?! HAHA YOU FOOL, you must spend forever in perpetual misery while others around you suffer even more just to make you feel even worse about your bitching and moaning. Youw ill slave your ass off, spend forever with blisters on your fingers and the skin torn off of the bottoms of your feet from the f**king uncomfortable shoes we will make you go to work in and it will rain all the time but the one time it doesnt rain the sun will scorch your hair off and leave you walking about like a penguin as you try to stop your baked skin from splitting and when you get into the bath to hopefully relieve the tension the bathwater WILL be ice cold because you forgot to turn the water heater on and you will leap out of your bath screaming and slip on the mat and knock yourself cold on the floor and die.

Possibly.

Either that or something really bad could happen. Either way, this is goign to suck.

Love,
Whomever would be in charge of writing this memo.

So you see, i'm not exactly totally in love with life as it is right now and i'm working hard to try and better it but holy crap, are the odds against you?
For a start there are other people..........that is all........just other people.

EVERYONE!! OFF OF MY PLANET!! NOW!!! except Denis Leary, he can stay. I so want to have a beer with that guy. If I drank.....

GODDAMMIT!

I hate everything, I think I should just go down and play in traffic cause getting hit by a truck would be so much more fun that my life.

And I can whinge for England...yes indeedy
[edit]

[4/20/2002 10:20:58 PM | Jenna L]
*laughs* I have an obsessive fan! How cool is that?!
I was just checking the site stats for like, the first time ever. And a single ISP visited this Journal no less than 50 times in one day, and over 300 within that week.

Whoever you are....you must really love reading crap. Kudos :D


They love me, the really love me.....or they want to murder me...eeeeeeek!
[edit]

[4/20/2002 10:13:11 PM | Jenna L]
Shite.

Thats about it for now, further news later.

Short and sweet....shuh
[edit]

[4/19/2002 6:03:59 AM | Jenna L]
Fleas, the cat has fleas

GAH!!!


I'm leaving until theyre gone....

Irrational fear...run away, RUN AWAY!!
[edit]

[4/19/2002 5:23:30 AM | Jenna L]
Theres a woman I know that doesnt get half of what she really deserves out of life.
I hate that.
This woman, my friend, I dont think she has the first idea how truly inspiring she is, or how strong she is, or how she puts up with so much that I in my pathetic, tiny, half assed excuse for an emotion that is my patience, would never be able to put up with for love nor money.
I dont know how she does half the things she does. I know I couldnt. Maybe i'm just not cut out for the kind of life she leads which by anyones standards would probably be concieved as normal, but in my opinion....the toughest challenge ever.
How we are friends bewilders me from time to time. For openers we have an age gap thats almost the same number as I am in years. I'm a tattooist from the mean streets of the ickier side of London, and she lives in sunny suburbia in a place called the New Forrest which I visited once and was nearly struck down by its tranquility and beauty.
She's happily married with two kids and I'm not even in a stable relationship. hell i'm not even in a relationship, I think i'm impossible to be in a relationship with.
She has the wisdom and experience of a long hard life thats kicked her in the shins many times as it does with all of us. I have the bitterness of the first twenty years of my life being a f**king nightmare, and so on.

We have all this difference and yet, somewhere along the lines the two of us meet in the middle and the friendship is strong.
It gets tested. Damn does it get tested. I dont think theres any avoiding it really, what with out different backgrounds. Our different experiences.

But tonight, we had a fight and it disturbed me. One of those fights thats like the fight is having you and it didnt start off as being about either of you but somehow it became so. And suddenly everything is bad.
I didnt want to be where we were and neither did she but pulling out of it was so tough.
We got out of it eventually, or at least I hope we did. See now i'm sitting here worried things will never quite be the same again. Not sleeping, as per usual, just waiting for the time when I can actually speak to her again.
I've lit a candle. I hope we're okay.

Its her anniversary today, 22 years with her husband.
I didnt give her much of a gift did I.

But at any rate, I raise a glass of pepsi in a champagne glass to you K, my dear friend, my confidant and my rock of strength.
Have a fantastic day. I'll see you on the other side.

[4/17/2002 5:45:28 AM | Jenna L]
Cats.
I love these creatures and I've always had them around me, but only ever one at any time because any more than one is just furball suicide. Unless you enjoy matted hair and blood all over your carpet each time one of the little blighters gets his grump on toward the other.
There are many fun parts to being the owner of one of these wretched creatures. Sure theyre self sufficient. You open can of cat food. It looks at cat food. It f**ks off and eats the neighbours cat food because its more expensive and the bowl is in classier surroundings. Who blames them, they have good taste.
You spend a while cooking some tuna for it and you place the tuna in the bowl and the cat just stares at you for a while with this expression that says; "Well, it was a good idea mortal. But then you ruined everything by putting it into a bowl and now I just cannot be seen to be eating from the floor, will you never learn?!"
The answer to that is no, us humans never learn.

Cat snobbery goes way back to the dark ages when Cats were Gods and humans wore stupid clothes. Its nothing new, we know our roles.
So what really galls me about cats, the one thing I really dont get, is that with all of their snobbery and all of their class (we all know that look, the look that happens just after your cat falls off of something, or slips when he jumps....the look that says; "It wasnt me, you just imagined it, it was another cat, it could never be me for I am perfect and you are lowly scum! STOP LOOKING AT ME!")
All this cat snobbery and class....
But youre laying down on the couch watching your favorite show and suddenly, as if from nowhere...cats arse.
One second youre staring at Buffy kicking bottom, the next, an eyefull of anus.
Why is that?
Cats have all this furry cuteness they can seduce us into stroking them with and yet their weapon of choice?
Its too foul to contemplate.

Our cat is a bastard. He's learnt a really foul trick.
When he doesnt want to be picked up or held or stroked he has learnt to, on demand. Fart.

HOLY MARY MOTHER OF CHRIST ON A BIKE!!! Is there anything worse than cat fart?!

And I swear he winks at you once you put him down in disgust. Smug little git.

Aside from this there is a very interesting game you can play with cats. Just go out driving and pick up any cat you may see, put it in the back seat of your car and keep going. Repeat this every time you see a cat. After you have 5, things should start to get interesting!

(I'm kidding, dont do that, its evil)

On your knee's lowly maggot, how dare thee mocketh me?! ~ My cat, earlier.
[edit]

[4/14/2002 2:43:18 AM | Jenna L]
In other news....

Today I found out sweetcorn is in fact spawn of the devil and should never be trusted.
And Shakira's hair is plotting to take over the world.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

This entry was brought to you by the word ACK and the letter A

[4/13/2002 1:52:38 AM | Jenna L]
OH CRAP!!

I've forgotten how to swallow. This is very disturbing as I need pizza. Immediatley, at 1.45am.
I just swigged some orange juice however and I had to spit the damned stuff out. I couldnt swallow.

Yet another example of my body working against me. Its a f**king conspiracy but no one believes me.

In other news; I finally saw "Saving Private Ryan" today (for a movie buff I can sometimes be extraordinarily slow) and my review?

There was nothing there that hasnt already been done by "Platoon" and "Full Metal Jacket"...In my opinion the definitive war movies. "Saving Private Ryan" was cheesy shite, and it was annoying. I wanted to kick Ryan in the nuts, stupid bastard.
These other guys have come miles and miles and half of them are dead and others have had limbs taken off and half their blood sucked out by bugs and none of them have eaten in forever and theyre all tired and thirsty. All to bring this guy home.
They find him and what does he do?
He whinges.
"But I dont wanna go home, waaaah."

At that point I would have taken my rifle and I would have jammed it up his ass closely followed by blowing his nuts off. Ungrateful little twerp.

Anyway....I must go re-learn how to swallow.

The rage, THE RAGE!!!
[edit]

[4/12/2002 2:11:30 AM | Jenna L]
Oh hey I finally got around to setting the time right on this stupid thing, took me bloody long enough.
I'm so completely computer illiterate its just staggering. That anyone could be as utterly useless as I am when it comes to these machines....well its mind boggling.
Sure throw me on the internet and i'm a goddess. But when it actually comes to working a computer. You know, all the programs and inner workings and so on. I'm about as clueless as a brain dead clueless thing.
Im the girl that, if it were possible, could break the internet.

Dont press that button!!
Which Button?
That Button!
This button?
Yeah!
.......Ooops.....

I tried to learn. I tried to be interested in the inner workings of these machines, I really really wanted to be able to sit down at my computer and just have my fingers fly over the buttons in a stunning display of technical gymnastics. But it was never to be. Instead I just sat there and went; "Uh?"
True enough I can touch type and get out f**k knows how many words a minute (Loads)....but i'm totally technically challenged.
However this does not mean im a techno-phobe.
Far from it, I have techno Joy. I plugged the thing in and then plugged the printer in with a wire that looked like it might fit. Then again it could easily have been the kettle...who knows.
I plugged it all in and i started it all up and immediatley got ERROR 4995.
To which immediatley, and professionally I scream; "Well whats that one then? And what happened to the 4994 I missed to get to that one?!"
I unplugged more stuff and bent some wires and plugged more stuff in and wahey! I was away!
I tried to print something but it told me I couldnt acces printer. Which was just silly. I could access printer. It was right in front of me. I yelled at the machine that I could access it, then I was told by my thirteen year old brother to plug it in.

And thats me and computer technology.
Internet wise I know my way around. But ask me to do something to a hard drive or a floppy disk, i'll probably just slap you for being a pervert.

Oddly however, i'm miss tech girl in all other respects. Hell people bring their VCR's to me for me to fix, and I always do.

Its like that confounding show, "Tales of the unexpected"

[4/10/2002 11:17:21 PM | Jenna L]
Ahhhh, another day another f**king pain in my ass.
Yes, i'm annoyed.
I'm annoyed by internet advertising to be exact. I'm sick to f**king death of having to wade through pages and pages and pages of bullshit advertising popup windows, telling me theres an "Important message" about needing pink sawdust for my brand new hamster that doesnt just soak up the pee it makes it pretty colours and scents it with orange. I dont give two bollocks if a camera the size of a frikin peanut is going to remarkably transform my mundane and boring life. I dont want to spend only �99.99 special bargain price, to have all the hair removed from my body (eyebrows included at no extra cost), Theres nothing urgent about a message concearning a news article on 'iwishicouldgetashag.com' about the importance of thimbles being worn during sewing (and paying �99.99 bargain price for the privilage of becoming a member to access said webpage) and I especially couldnt give a crap about an online casino run by a group of cretins.
Its all so F**KING IRRITATING!

So I log on and I want to find the lyrics to "Bodies" by Drowning pool, a simple task you would think. I search engine it, I find a site. I proceed to spend the better part of my day caught in a god damned loop of popups, popunders, popsidewayses, free software installation windows, plugin requests, would you like fries with that? FUCK OFF!!!!!

After wading through all of this shit, closing windows only to have that one spawn seven more, then accidentally closing the window i want because the popup I was aiming for suddenly dropped behind the main window and now i've lost my lyrics and i'm left reading a very interesting message about lint......
I'm near breaking my keyboard just thinking about it.
I'm surprised anyone ever gets to see any webpages anymore, its like tipping blood into shark infested waters. You log in...and the advertisers just swarm around you.

"BUY OUR PRODUCT AND YOULL GET ABSOLUTLEY F**K ALL FOR YOUR MONEY BECAUSE WHAT WE SELL IS SHIT AND WILL PROBABLY BREAK IN THE POST WHILE WE DISTRIBUTE YOUR DETAILS TO EVERY SHIT AND CHARLATAN WORLDWIDE HAHA!!"

I fear one day the internet will just become the 'advertnet' and it will be all advertising. Each advert sponsored by another advert which will lead to more pops and popunders and if you close them those ones have been sponsored by someone else too and will lead to more popups and popunders and it'll just go on forever.
We'll have to plan days off of work if we ever want to just go online to find a webpage on something useful or amusing. People will be stockpiling supplies for said days and when whoever is going online finally ventures there....they may never return.

Okay so i'm exaggerating, but it could happen. It already takes half an hour to find lyrics to a song.

Sod food for thought, I want poison for advertisers

[4/9/2002 10:55:09 PM | Jenna L]
The search is on. As per my family tradition the quest has begun to find every family member the single most useless possible piece of junk in the entire world, to give as a christmas present.
Yes I know we are months and months and months away, but this is a tradition that I find absolutley hilarious, and my entire family spends the better portion of the year hunting for the perfect 'bad gift'

It all began a few years ago (yeah okay so its not the oldest tradition in the world) when our Aunt and Uncle finally lost their minds and sent the family the weirdest gifts you could imagine.
These were not the gifts of sane people.
No offence, we love our Aunt and Uncle but they have lost it. For instance, they sent bone china teacups through the post wrapped only in thin brown paper.
You can imagine.
I also recieved a box of used scented draw liners. My brother got a doorstop. My sister a used bottle of bubble bath....and empty used bottle of bubblebath.
So on and so forth. They are the textbook crazy rich people. Sitting in their fancy house going "UH?"

So anyway we were so amused (I'm talking breathless, on the floor laughing here) we decided...my mother, brother and I, that from there on every single year we would each buy each member of the family one totally 'out there' god awful christmas present....along with decent ones of course.

And there you have it, and today the search began as I hit the thrift stores looking at peoples old junk. I have to say I have found an early contender. For some reason there was a small statue in marble of a mexican just sitting. In fact he looked as though he had been shot, this unusual expression on his face that was definitley pained.
It really begged the question, "WHY?!" and whats more, WHO origionally purchased this piece of tat?
See thats what I find amusing about these stores, so much utter crap that you take one look at and just laugh long and loud, wondering who created such an awful schmutter.
But I remind myself that someone actually one purchased that bit of shite at full price from somewhere......who are these people?
They must be stopped.

I fear for humanity I really do.

It takes all kinds, I just wish it didnt have to be those kinds....eeeep
[edit]

[4/6/2002 10:50:12 PM | Jenna L]
Dear Journal,

Sorry I havent updated you in so long. Between my life being unutterably shite and Blogger behaving like a f**kwit, I just havent been able to.
My life just seems to be making me want to stand in the middle of somewhere...a field or a city center...and just scream WHAT THE HELL?!!! at the top of my lungs. Of course I blame the universe for my tiredness and headaches right now. After all its the way life goes to make you work your ass off, never have any fun, and suffer killer back pain and endless headaches purely to make enough money that will go to the government to help not pay for my back treatment when I need it because the NHS are a bunch of no hopers.
England sucks. It doesnt just suck it blows too. Goats mainly. A few cows. Maybe some chickens.
Oh and spring has sprung, the grass is ris, the birds have all f**ked off cause its still too cold here and my hayfevers started.
Does it get better than this I ask you?

I hate everything.
In a good way.

Piss, bollocks, buggar, bum. These are a few of my favorite expletives...

[4/2/2002 12:26:35 AM | Jenna L]
There are people that make me just want to grab their heads and push my thumbs into their eyes until something messy happens.
In fact theres quite a few of those people. I kinda zone out into this blissfull state of imagining me with my fingers stuck up their noses and the like. Its quite nice.
These people we call Trolls in net land.
For f**ks sakes. What is the f**king point. Get a damned life you strange, sad, offputting, boring, moronic, void of life wankers. You come onto peoples websites (more specifically today, a friend of mines website) and you behave like jerkoffs because you think its clever.
Jackoff.
Not clever, just incredibly tedious. You people define the term 'waste of space' to its most literal sense.
Youre wasting server space you pissants.
Still not even that creates a problem because all your inane dribblings are easily deleted anyway. In fact the only reason anyone would ever keep the verbal wank of a troll on their site, is so we can laugh at it and comment on it and put you jizz stains down.
This is why i came here tonight. Because you people bore me. You dont impress anyone, you dont scare anyway. You just have the website owners and readers alike laughing at you in all your no lifed, geeky desperate-for-a-shagedness....actually what am I saying?

Keep trolling, grease stains, we need something to laugh at, theres precious little in this world.

Oh and lastly, tim dannenhoffer (all lower case for maximum disrespect) ...I dont use this word often, but tim, youre a cunt.

Hugs and kisses,
Jenna

Why be normal when you can be a fuckwit?
[edit]

[3/31/2002 12:16:02 PM | Jenna L]
I am truly terrified. I just sat through the kids easter concert thing (when I say kids I mean my little 5 year old sister) and my ears hurt.
I know we all went to show support and encourage the young ones and thats all good, it should be done and must be done. But holy crap. Youd think the kids teachers would at least try and get them in tune, just a little tiny bit. I mean they got themselves the title "Music teacher"....I didnt see any music teaching there. Nothing had been taught. She might as well have come out to announce them and simply said; "Class B will now murder 'O come all ye faithfull'. The song has been arranged....without very much care at all. Helmets can be found under your chairs."
All the parents are sitting there as they play going, "Oh my god, we have spawned the devil, we should have gotten them hammers instead of instruments."
I mean you can tell, its plain on all of their faces. The father sitting next to me had this fixed grin on his face and i noticed his knuckles whitening as he gripped the chair.

I dont think I can quite paint the picture as to just how bad this 'music' was. You visualise kids school concerts and yeah, immediatley you can hear yourself some bum notes and some squeeqyness.
Well this concert sounded like the entire thing was being played through a weasel. One that was still very much alive.
A cat being scraped backwards over a cat scraping machine couldnt have made a worse noise. The kids themselves were also near tears. It was a bad noise. And the teachers charged us for the privilage of listening to it.

Still it taught all the parents lessons. They all now know that instead of musical instruments, they should get their kids to play with hammers instead. Far less damage to be done.

On the subject of music, what is the point in the triangle?
Why not just say 'ting'
The poor kid that gets to play triangle in the band is always going to be the most depressed kid in school because it takes no talent at all, and its pointless. This was proved when that twat band from manchester 'Oasis' used one as the pivotal part in one of their albums.
Tossers.

My ears, my EARS!!!
[edit]

[3/29/2002 7:34:39 PM | Jenna L]
Another thrilling day passes at Rawhide tattoo studio, and yet another set of laughs abound.
Rentz showed his face again after being AWOL for 3 years out in america getting his nuts screwed in a divorce settlement with a barbie doll. She's had everything off of him, left him with nothing but a patch of oil in his driveway where his merc once was....as it turns out he'd only gone and married a certified psychopath. Then again thats what you get if you marry someone purely because they were once a playboy bunny.
Such is the life of a much in demand tattooist. Gotta feel sorry for the guy.
Life at Rawhide UK however is not so glamourous and today we dealt with the toughest guy this side of anywhere. You should have seen him, flashing his muscles and sounding off about getting a tattoo. When it finally got to his turn he then held up these two little tiny chinese symbols, and promptly passed out and peed his pants no sooner did needle touch skin.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is pathetic.
Sad truth is it happens so often and its always the men that pass out. They come in macho as all hell, and theyre hitting tile within seconds.
Boys - If youre going to walk into a tattoo studio I suggest two things. If youre going to behave like a tattoo expert I suggest actually having some tattoo's already. I mean this guy today.....well as Rentz said to him as he boasted about his chinese symbols, "I have tattoo's on my dick bigger than those."
Its true, you just look like a wanker. Guy today practically pissed himself when he started going on at me about girls not having tattoos because we couldnt take the pain, I pulled my shirt off and turned around and gave him an eyeful of my backpiece.
I heard him choke.
Theres him with his two chinese symbols.
F**ks sakes.

The tattoo world is a scary place to be sometimes. I know people that would kill your ex for a smoke and a can of beer. I know people that would brick your car if you coughed in their direction.
So you can imagine that when faced with testosterone filled dickheads who are having their tat's for the bravado of it all, the tattooist in question is without a doubt laughing.
Its dark and seedy back here in tattoo land.
But what is nice about this life is the togetherness of the actual group. If youre in the inner circle youre one of them and you have people behind you through anything that can get anything and do anything you need.
Strangely comforting, and once in the inner circle you know people around the world that can do the same.
Youre always taken care of.

Plus its a great world for me to hang out in, people that can actually take my foul temper and fouler mouth without getting all offended and weepy. F**king excellent.

God i'm bored.

I am Jacks longing for something to do

[3/28/2002 10:04:10 PM | Jenna L]
Meeting new people.
Now this really is one of those horrifying events that takes place all too often in our little lives and I for one am reaching the end of my tether with it.
Now I don't mean going out and meeting people on purpose. I mean meeting people you have no choice but to meet. The people you have to make special efforts for to make good first impressions. Its a real f**king pisser.
There are so many unspoken rules and regulations for these types of meetings and every single one of them was created I am sure, by organised dickheads.
There was a board meeting one day where these rules were drawn up much to the sadistic amusement of all involved.

One of these rules of the first meeting is the handshake. We all know this and its second nature. I?m willing to bet no one even really thinks about it.
Well I do. And there are several types of handshake.
There's the sock-in-a-cup handshake which is kind of limp and I always think for this kind of handshake the response should be made with a fish. Just slap the fish into that limp palm and you will then have moments of amusement as the new person thinks your hand has fallen off.
There's the firm small-dick-big-handshake handshake which is just in itself amusing because you know that as the bones snap in your hand, he will always have a tiny member. Just be careful if you laugh in his face for he will certainly ask you why, and if you're anything like me you will blurt out exactly what you're thinking at that inopportune moment, and you will be fired.
Then there is the grinder. This one hurts. This is the handshake of bastards. This is the handshake of the man or woman that has everything and no longer cares about the lowly small people. The handshake of the person that thinks you're scum, and you need hurting as punishment for being so lowly. Worm.
In this situation I find the following an appropriate reaction.
As he grasps your hand and begins to twist and grind your knuckles I think you should simply do this:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAARRRRRRRGFUCKING HELL!!! You Bastard!!

It will get you fired but holy crap it'll make for a funny story.

In other news, I was told I should take more vitamins today and should read up on them also. I said there was no need as I already knew all about vitamins.
Its simple there's:
Vitamin A which is used for hmmnmmmmmmmnssnm
Vitamin B which is used for mnmnmnmmmmnmnmmm
Vitamin C which is good for scurvy, and other stuff.
Vitamin D which is good for skin and mood.
Vitamin E which is good for mmmmnmmnmhmmmsm

And after that there are no more. The vitamin board gave up after that one and buggared off for a cigarette. At least that's pretty much what my crappy biology teacher told me. But then she was a crack whore.

I am Jacks slight irritation and complete boredom

3/28/2002 4:58:01 AM | Jenna L]
You know how I like to rant?
Well I would now like to hand you over to one of my mentors (The other being Denis Leary) and let him rant at you about...Computers.

This is an all time classic rant you see, and just must be read.

EDDIE IZZARD - IF I HAD A HAMMER

I have been told there are two EDDIE IZZARD home pages and I still can't find them.
I am very excited by the Internet, I am bemused by the Internet, I have tried to surf on the Internet but the bottom line at the moment is that there are still six tons of instructions to read before you can understand what the hell is going on. This is what the human race will not stand for. Instructions. I hate them. The idea is that if I plough through page after page of paper verbiage, I will then be allowed to wade through page after page of screen verbiage. And this is not a big sexy come-on.

I understand the idea of the power of the machine. I do not suffer from techno fear. Techno fear is when people are afraid to press the buttons of a machine in case they blow the machine up. I have the opposite, I have techno bravado. I just love to grab hold of machines, switch them on, press every button I can find and then hit them with a hammer when I can't get them to work. If they blow up, then I watch the pretty colours and then take the thing back to the shop and say: "What the hell's going on here? I just touched the on button and the mother blew up!"

I can appreciate what machines can do and I want to access that power now. I am the kid that broke the first Sharp cassette recorder that my brother got. I never read the instructions. I just hammered away
with my fingers until something happened.
The Internet. The new big thing. The thing that grew so quickly that it even caught Microsoft on the hop. I've talked to people who were worried about linking the computers in their businesses up to the Internet in case hackers came in and nicked all their everything. Their nightmare is that they come in next morning, switch on and the computers just say "Oops!".
But armed with my techno bravado I order the modem and the software and get linked up. This having been done, I am given a folder. The dreaded folder which contains the instructions to explain all the
software I have just had installed. I immediately leap into a state of apathy. I don't want to read this guff. So it just sits in my bag, going eeeeeeek.

After about two weeks I decide that I had better have a go at surfing and so in the middle of the night, I link up my computer to my phone line, take all the pages of instructions and make a hat out of them, and then just start double-clicking on any new bit of software that I can find in my computer.
I've got a program called Fetch and I get into that quite easily, and before I know it I am downloading BBC cookery programmes on to my computer with the enthusiasm of someone who cooks. I don't. And so I
now know how to cook some BBC pies. I download some other bits and get bored. This is no good. I want to see pictures of Earth taken from space five minutes ago, I want to see the World Bank's financial
figures in one of those share-of-cake charts. I wanna break into a security thingy and nick all of everything so that they have only got "Oops!" in the morning. But all I have got is some stuff on pies.
So I exit from Fetch and I decide to send some E-mail. So I double-click and it does all the wonderful tonal "beep-beep-boop-beep-boop" stuff as it phones whoever. I put in my password codes (I have four different password things of about eight letters and digits each - this bores the tits off me as it's just more numbers to remember) but when I try to link up with whatever it is I link up with, the screen says: "You have made a problem of type 4096 - do not do this." What the fuck is that all about? What is problem type 4096, and how big a hammer will fix it? This pisses me off big-time because it implies that, not only have I not got a clue what problem 4096 is, but also I do not have a clue what all the other 4095 potential problems are either. Sod that.

Next I try to send a global fax, but I just send it to myself which is a bummer. Then I link through to the World Wide Web (which is different to the Internet, because it is controlled by spiders). I am a member of the BBC Networking Club, and through this I finally enter the Internet. Once in the Internet, I immediately go to the weather section and choose to load some pictures. BEWARE - BE VERY WARE! If you are downloading pictures from the Internet they can often take longer to download than it would take squirrels to make an apple crumble. IT TAKES FOREVER. And once you've chosen the picture, you can't pull out until it's all good and loaded. The pictures may be beautiful, but they may also be boring as hell and you can't tell which at the start. Apart from this though, it obviously is a very fascinating tool and I will eventually work out how everything works.

I feel at the moment that I am five years old and I have been given a JCB to drive. And I can't see out of the window. And I have no pants on. This article is also supposed to be about how to make your own home page on the Internet. Well, I don't bloody know. I have been told there are two Eddie Izzard home pages (set up by other people) and I still can't find them. I guess I'm looking in the wrong piece of surf. What do I have, though, is a large hammer.

The End

I love that rant.

I am Jacks need to pay homage

[3/28/2002 4:13:36 AM | Jenna L]
I really hate people. Really.

Most of the time, I'm a very tolerant person. But as with all things there are just those times and those people that make that tolerance near f**king impossible. I've never had any sympathy for stupid people...not since my school days when the f**kwits were just in legions. It was like some kind of wasp swarming thing only without all the fun.

Now, the stupid people in question on todays rant, are those people that hang around on the internet in chat rooms or on IRC or on AOL and so on and so forth, and they send you this f**king message...

"Hi, A/S/L?"

FUCK. RIGHT. OFF.

Answer me this. How many people actually go onto one of these messaging systems and actually sit and wait around because they want some wanker from the asshole end of the internet to come up to them and ask them how their day is going?
How many of you think this is a cool thing?
If I had army boots on right now i'd stick em up yer ass, both of them. This is not cool. More often than not it wont get you a date it'll get you reported and laughed at.
"A/S/L"
I always feel like saying "105/Both/Right behind you holding an axe"

What pisses me off even more royally about this internet intrusion is that the wanker has the audacity to ask me this question and interrupt me while talking to the people i actually do want to talk to, but more often than not once you tell them this "A/S/L" they just f**k off because youre not what theyre looking for.
F**k me sideways if youre going to interrupt me at least have the common f**king courtesy to stick around so I can tell you to go f**k yourself, or at least screw with your mind a bit first.
Just bad f**king manners.

If you want to meet people for sex talk on the internet (and lets face it, thats the only reason you would send the f**king offending "A/S/L" in the first place) then go to a f**king sex chatroom. In the name of f**king sanity. Not some poor ole joe schmoe whos using the chat facility to talk to people that they actually like.
Youd think the brain would put that together now wouldnt you.
No such f**king luck and herein lays the stupidity and there you have your answer....this is why I hate stupid people.
And to the twat faced loser that just "A/S/L"d me, I hope you sit on a f**king cactus you talentless, braindead dateless moron. F**k you. Forever love your hand.

I am Jacks utter intolerance


[3/27/2002 2:55:51 AM | Jenna L]
I signed up with Blogsnob.com and they told me to plug their site in my next post so heres the plug.
Theyre a nice bunch of people, their links been randomly inserted in my links bit...find it, check it out.
Coolness.

I am Jacks shameless plugging


[3/27/2002 2:23:06 AM | Jenna L]
I hate boy bands. They should all be my bitch. Do you think between the many f**king zillions of the wankers there are they could possibly between them come up with an origional f**king tune?
I mean every single song sounds the same or sounds like someone elses song or samples someone elses song or f**king is someone elses song.
Westlife, N*Sync, Backstreet boys, Blue, Boyzone...those are the only ones I know the names of the rest of them just fade into bleak obscurity and when i'm watching MTV they all look the f**king same anyway.
I must ask record companies everywhere. What is the f**king point?!
There are artists out there in music land that get no f**king recognition whatsoever. Artists with fantastic f**king voices and actual talent that spend their careers getting pretty much ignored.

But oh no, lets just throw another bunch of pansy ass carbon copy wankers on the fire (please) and we'll call it music.
They make me so bored. They make me want to burn things.

As for Blue's latest single "Fly by" I cant help but think it should be titled "Drive by" *snigger*

Die Jack die


[3/27/2002 2:12:15 AM | Jenna L]
You know what I hate? People with f**king opinions on everything.
Touche. But see I put this journal up here for my own writing pleasure, to get the stresses and strains and major f**king annoyances of a day off of my chest and if someone else reads it, cool, good for them, and maybe you should think about checking yourself into a clinic.
But please tell me, what is the pont in browsing the internet, coming accross a journal like mine where a singular person will be airing their singular grievences and not asking anyone else to take a blind bit of notice..they come accross a journal like mine, and have an opinion...on a movie...that they have to share. With me. Like I give shit.
I dont want to hear everyone elses opinions about movies, I know what I like and i'll like what I like and i'll rant if I want to. As was so memorably said in "From dusk til dawn" - "Well thats a matter of opinion and I dont give a f**k about yours."

Also what irks me though, is that its a pointless waste of time to do such a thing. So I pose you a question: If you feel you absolutley must tell someone accross the other side of the planet that you feel strongly in the opposite direction over something on their nondescript unpopular website....are you perhaps the saddest person alive?
Get friends, get a hobby, get your own journal and have an opinion in that.

F**k me with a rusty clawhammer, i'm in a bad mood.

Aside from that my day has sucked. F**king shocker there huh.

No offence...really...I mean it.


[3/26/2002 12:25:18 AM | Jenna L]
So, Monday.....what a day.
Couldnt have been more boring, in fact I have so very little to say about today I could be the insruction blurb on the side of a packet of nuts. "Open bag, eat nuts"
I am that damned exhilerated.
I can sum up today in one word.

Satsuma

Pointless, mundane impersonator of something bigger and tastier.

Buggar.

I am Jacks overwhelming apathy.


[3/25/2002 5:47:36 AM | Jenna L]

Oscar� Rant #3

F**K YOU YOU BUNCH OF ACADEMY FASCISTS!!!!
LORD OF THE RINGS WAS BY FAR A SUPERIOR MOVIE!!!
Best Director and best Movie to f**king "A Beautiful mind?!" That movie was a huge pile of horses crap I hated it it was shite.
My main gripe was "Who gives a shit?!"

DAMN YOU ACADEMY!! Kiss my ass.
*grumble*

I am Jacks enraged righteousness


[3/25/2002 5:20:47 AM | Jenna L]

Oscar� Rant #2


NICOLE WAS ROBBED!!!
Nicole deserved the Oscar for "Moulin Rouge".....but

Halle Berry. First ever African American Best Actress Oscar winner. I have to give the girl her dues, and she's produced one of my new favorite quotes with her speech...."This moment...so much bigger than me."

The girl done good and by christ you could tell she appreciated it. Bless her.

Still, Nicole should have f**king won.

I am Jacks indecision


[3/25/2002 3:25:49 AM | Jenna L]

Oscar� Rant #1.


Ian McKellen did not get the Oscar for "Best Actor"
A f**king crime has been comitted in L.A, will someone please arrest everyone at the ceremony and on the board.

F**kwits!!

I am Jacks inflamed need for revenge.


[3/25/2002 1:45:07 AM | Jenna L]
Ooooh its Oscar night and I'm sitting up at 1am waiting for the actual ceremony to start. F**king hell i'm startstruck, its pathetic.
Yes, I admit it. I'm a movie whore. I just adore looking at famous people. Would never ever want to be one of them but watching them...I just get off on it in some sick way (ewwwwwwwww)
I just saw Julia Roberts looking absolutley stunning as per usual in all over black. Nicole Kidman looking as dazzling and stunning as ever (and so much better without Tom clinging to her thigh, short ass wanker)
Uma Thurman out in public again after a long stint out of the public eye, shes back with hubby Ethan Hawke and looking as beautiful as ever.
Waiting to see Angelina Jolie and Julianne Moore and I'll be happy.

Come on Lord of the Rings, Sweep the board!!

I really have nothing interesting to say at this point, i'm too busy drooling into my shoes and staring in awe at my favorite stars.
Shallow and meaningless?

Shit yeah...and I like it!

"Do not give a damn, you cannot allow yourself to care!!" ~ Will Smith OSCARS 2002

I am Jacks sneaking suspicion that I speak fluent crap.


[3/24/2002 6:53:05 PM | Jenna L]
I hate computers.
I hate the internet.
Everythings either slow, busted broken or just plain shite. Nothings works.
They should bite me.
Technology...pfffffffffffft. Wankers.

That is all. Dont like it dont read it, my space ;)

[3/23/2002 6:52:50 PM | Jenna L]
I havent slept in about 60 hours. Thats kinda cool and I think my rebel work for the week is well and truly done, yey me. Quite why i havent slept I do not know. Kinda a pain in the ass though because my hands have started to go numb and I cant feel my feet and I swear to god I saw the cat carrying an onion earlier.

I was having a wild old time in the kitchen earlier today which is just like, the scariest thing. I promise you if you hear of me stepping inside my kitchen the words "Run, RUN You crazy fools RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! come to mind.
I can burn cereal and set fire to salad. I'm that damned good.
Even the gods greatest invention the microwave, has not quenched my staggering shiteness in the kitchen area and just yesterday I was successfully blowing up microwave pizzas. I now also have two medium sized fires under my belt. Thatll go nicely with the collection of four large sized ones and several small ones. That is one thing I can create in the kitchen; fires.
Damn just everyone wants to be my boyfriend right now I can tell.
So anyway I was cooking, or at least trying to. I'm could give the middle east a run for their f**king money far as bio warfare goes. My soup is dire, and its from a can.
I cannot believe I managed to make good soup taste like coal.
Then again my ovens shite, its really really old so I could blame it on the cooker. It'll cook anything to incineration point within three seconds. You can just kinda show the plate of food to the outside of the oven and suddenly everythings on fire, thats how strong this oven is.
This oven even cooks bits of oven, like handles and stuff melt and then you have bacon risotto a la timer knob. Delicacy round these parts I can tell you. The plastic gives it a kind of chewy texture, I reccommend it.

Needless to say I do not do very much cooking around these parts but that leads to another problem. I'm a food snob. Maybe it came from my head waitress days (oh....how i miss them....f**king not) when everything came in funny stacks with truffles and lobster and saffron all mixed up and just looking great. These days I demand all food in a tower including soup.

And that leads me to a f**king pet peeve, that being gourmet restaurants and their meals. You go in there youre paying at least �80 per person before youve even ordered something. Youre so f**king hungry at this point because the restaurant is right in the center of london because its so fantastic, but youve had to park miles and miles away in like, aberdeen to walk the rest of the way because there were no spaces near by.
You get there ready to eat both of the two fat ladies if theyre whos cooking that night. You order, all thrilled like.
What arrives on your plate some three hours later?

A mushroom. Surrounded by a ring of what looks like strawberry sauce. Maybe if youre lucky a sprig of parsley. Theres not enough f**king food here to feed my hamster for a day, what the f**k am I paying huge amounts of money for?
So you finish your 'gourmet' meal in one bite and move on to the desserts and heres where things get really f**king disappointing because these desserts are the finest, the richest chocolate cake in the entire world.
How much do you get?
Think a piece the size of your thumbnail, again surrounded by the strawberry sauce and maybe a small blob of ice cream, about the same amount as you would get if you let the varnish drip one drip from a nail varnish bottle.

Oh yum. Consider me decidedly underwhelmed.

The afterdinner mint is more filling than the entire meal.

"Yes sir that'll fifty million pounds and the souls of your first three born sons, have a nice evening."

And thats it, youre shoved back out into the cold streets faced with your zillion mile walk back to your poxy car, hungrier than you were when you got there, several thousand pounds the poorer and owing your soul to satan...all for a meal the size of a pea that is apparently 'gourmet' and the best in the land.

Words do actually fail me. Anyone that dines at these places on principal needs taking out, stripping and hanging upside down from a tree for several years. Its pathetic.

Give me pizza hut any day.

F**k, give me timer knob soup flambe, at least its filling.

Who's hungry?


[3/23/2002 6:03:46 AM | Jenna L]
Sign my guestbook or i'll set the guinie pigs on you...
And they poo y'know....a lot.

That is all.


[3/23/2002 5:41:54 AM | Jenna L]
..........Never mind. I've lost all interest in posting what I was going to.

Instead of that i'll simply say that i'm rather put off by a family sized packet of condoms I found in my brothers pockets (I wasnt going through them for anything other than amusement value, I assure you....god i'm evil) Its not so much that my fifteen year old brother has a family sized packet of condoms that really bothers me. I mean actually its pretty good, at least it means he has a bit of a brain in that skull of his which is, I dont mind admitting, a bit of a shocker. At least he wont be out there impregnating any horribly young schoolgirls, that would just suck plus would end up being a pain in my ass, no doubt i'd be lumbered with babysitting privilages at some point (Its not that I hate kids its just....well, no actually it is that I hate kids)....where the f**k was I?
Oh yes my brother having a brain.......f**king hell huh.

Get back to the point of the f**king rant you silly cow!!!

Right, yes....family sized packet of condoms.
Whats wrong witht his picture? FAMILY sized packet of condoms!!!
I find this oddly contradictory and to be honest a little disturbing. Certainly doesnt make me want to use their brand, geez.

Hang on a second my little brothers got f**k knows how many condoms in his school jacket...that little f**ker!!!

To deities above, deities below; gods and goddesses alike; great and small; infinite wisdom and infinite capriciousness; the infallible and the ineffable alike......please....

Never let the little gobshite go forth and multiply, that would just be really disturbing.

Yish.

You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake...goddammit.


[3/23/2002 4:18:27 AM | Jenna L]
Love this song, and Phil deserves it.....damn my melancholy moments......

Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

(Michelle Branch)
�2000 I'm With The Band Music Publishing Company (ASCAP)


[3/23/2002 1:28:16 AM | Jenna L]
You know what I really f**king hate? what really really makes me want to kill things with hammers and impale puppies on sticks. What really just irks me so f**king much I want to stick my fist down my throat and just vomit until the world is sucked up through my ass and thrown up too?!

People that believe themselves to be Gods of their own little worlds. I hate that with the kind of bitter passion you just cannot accuratley describe in text or verbal form. Its the kind of hatred only expressed with a noise. I believe its a low rumble that starts at the back of your throat and just ends in a vomiting screeching sound.
The God like wankers I am referring to, are the staff at St Georges School. Bunch of tosspieces.
My brother goes there now and I used to go to this school way back in the day and it wasnt a school, it was a Hitlerite fascist nazi boot camp regime....if not waaaaay f**king worse.
And the headmaster there believed himself to be the God of that little world.

Let me paint you a picture. In my time at that school I saw two twelve year old children have their heads bashed together by their teacher. I was taken aside along with my fellow pupils who witnessed the act, and was told in no uncertain terms that if I was to report what I had seen in any way shape or form, our lives would be made hell. The children were also threatened and when the parents got involved, the children in question were instantly expelled.
The teacher however didnt get so much as a warning.
Then my friend Amy got herself locked in the music room with our music teacher who stuck his hand up her skirt (and she wasnt the first or the last to experience some kind of pervyness from this man) but who did the headmaster believe?
The teacher. Amy was expelled the next day.
And believe me thats just the tip of the f**king iceburg with that place. In my time there I saw so much worse go on.
Yet what galls me even more is the fact that this school is widely regarded as one of them best in the whole of the frikin UK and people just throw money at it to keep it running. Believing wrongly that said money will go towards equipment for the school. I beg to f**king differ. Most of it is pocketed and I know this to be a fact.
Our headmaster doled out the kinds of rules that if you were ever faced with them yourself you would be greating the dealer of said rules with a hearty f**king "ARE YOU MENTAL?!"

Boys may not have hair longer than one inch. Girls may not have hair longer than shoulder length. No braids, no hair colouring, hair must not be worn down. Skirts must be an exact length. No sock colour other than white. Ties must be seven inches. Boys must not shave their heads. No marker pens allowed as they are dangerous. No drinking or eating outside of lunch hour. If you are seen outside of school hours outside of SCHOOL in the street somewhere, eating or drinking, you can be suspended. No drinking allowed anywhere on school premises except the lunch room between the hours of 12pm and 1pm. Not even after phys ed. No holding hands, no public hugging. No running. No shouting. You may not walk with your teachers. Shall I go on?.......

Mr Hoare (a more appropriate and fitting name will never, ever be found) you are a prize f**king tosser. And I hope you know every child and most of those childs parents, that ever pass through your school f**king loathe you for life.
Pfffft. St Georges. The school that advises parents not to allow their children to have parties, birthday or otherwise because such out of school activities are meaningless and pointless and only serve to distract from the persuit of education and have kids come together in one place and cause trouble.

You retarded wankers! So let's get this straight, there's something totally meaningless which exists merely to get people in the same place? F**k me, it's right in front of your poncy f**king noses! Take a look around at your own f**king school! If you can f**king see anything under those ridiculous f**king haircuts you all wear so militantly! Christ, who cuts your hair, a blind lemming? I've seen better directions of image in my local Kwik-Save and here you are, f**king teachers, guides to the upcoming youth of our nation! You absolute boundry-breaking shagwits! Things working out? Fine, just throw in another 10 pages of self-indulgent masturbation into one of your self important 'newsletters' and it'll be fine! Wipe down one of your prospectus' and you could repopulate the f**king Middle East! What a load of generic fuckwits! Christ!

I hope the place burns to the ground one day.

School days are the best days of your life. BALLS School days are f**king shite. Its shite being a teenager and its even shiter if you get sent to that f**king boot camp. I pity my brother and his two years left there.

F**king hell.

[3/22/2002 11:56:55 PM | Jenna L]
Women I admire: My Mother, well she's just a given, this woman kicks f**king ass.

Angelina Jolie. The woman is just magnificent. I like a hollywood actress that can make an acceptence speach at the Oscars sound like porn, admits to sleeping with knives under her pillows and builds a f**king padded cell to have sex with her husband in. Class. Plus she makes kick ass movies.

Charisma Carpentar. This woman can act and blows her co-stars off the screen time and time again in that little known show "Angel". I was so completely amazed by her performance in an episode from season 3 called "That vision thing" that she actually reduced me to tears, no easy fete I can tell you. Then later on in an episode called "Billy" she again shone brighter than all others, with the aid of some fantastic scripting, in fact I liked the speach so much here it is.....

"You know the guy you hired to hack into my visions? What he did to me? You know what it felt like? I was cut, torn up, my face disfigured and burning with pain every second, not knowing if it was gonna end, or just get worse till I died...
It's not the pain, though that gets you. It's the helplessness. It's the certainty that there's nothing you can do to stop it, that your life can be thrown away in an instant by someone else - he doesn't care, he'll beat you down till you stay down 'cause he doesn't even think of you as alive.
No woman should ever have to go through that. And no woman strong enough to wear the mantle of 'Vicious Bitch' would ever put up with it." -- Like I said, the womans a star.

Julianne Moore. Look at her work in "Hannibal"
Need I say more?

All I can think of right now *L* Its not often I get all respectful and Yotz.

I'll be back later with a proper rant ;)

[3/22/2002 12:50:18 AM | Jenna L]
Must See Movie: "Thirteen Ghosts" - I dont care what the critics say, the critics know shit. I thought this was an excercise in excellent scary movie making. See it, shudder, choke on your popcorn (if you do happen to choke on said popcorn, do not say I told you to do it it wont be good and i'll get arrested.)

Song of the moment: I'm currently in love with Creeds "My Sacrifice" and Drowning Pools "Bodies"
If you dont like heavy rock music. What the f**k is wrong with you?


So anyway, my day. Just another boring day in the big ole city surrounded by the usual scum and crap you'd expect to find in a place like this. I do so f**king hate london. Its like the plughole of the universe all the scum ends up there. Which is why i'm lucky to live on the outskirts and not actually in the place.
Damn I think if I actually lived there I'd have joined the lemmings a long time ago.

My home city aint too bad. Full of all the usual old rubbish. Smells bad, has a large field and a mucky pond that counts as nature in some cultures. Supposedly our mucky pond and bit of brown stubbly grass is actually a tourist attraction. F**k me sideways, who in their right f**king mind would ever want to come here and look at a muddy pond and some stubbly grass. Oh yeah I forgot...
Its Roman muddy pond and stubbly brown grass.
Like it makes a f**king difference. I tell you that field and pool of water is no more Roman than the tattoo on my ass. Roman *lol* shuh....
Apparently this entire city was once a roman settlement. Worse f**king luck for those guys huh. Theres a place near me they call the Roman Verulamiam or some such arse. They charge you �25 to get in. Its all so amazing, big lights and a huge gift shop and a massive cafe.
You pay your money and toddle off inside all excited because youre about to see a verulamiam and theyre always exciting (what the f**k is a verulamiam? whats more do I f**king care?.....a resounding NO) and you get inside and suddenly youre in this field and theres a ditch.......

Theres a ditch.......

Apparently, it would seem verulamiam is Roman for 'large f**king muddy hole in the ground surrounded by some stones'
Its about as exciting as a Christina Aguilera concert. As in....its not. And if you do happen to like it...you need shooting. (What I cant hate the blonde bimbo? lady marmalade....pffffft.....lady ham and jam sandwich more like, frumpy old bag.)

So theres me just paid my �25 for the privilage of seeing a lrge f**king hole in the ground and by this time i'm feeling really f**king cheesed off and eager to take it out on something. Preferably some donuts or chocolate cake.
I toddle off the the gift shop and cafe. Thrilled to discover they have verulamiam sandwiches. Ask waitress if thats just a plate with a disappointing hole in it. She remains unamused.
Have a donut and some watery piss flavoured coffee. Really unimpressed at this point. Make my way to the actual gift section.

Holy screaming f**king Jesus they have verulamiam keyrings and pens. I kid you not, keyrings with a photo of a hole. I'm thrilled to beyond all belief.
�5 no less.
Tell shop assistant to get a job. Leave feeling angry.

And that is the extent of the fun in this ole town of mine. I'd used up the one sight seeing attraction within my first day here and that was eleven years ago. Seems to me though since i've been here more and more things have become Roman. How that is I will never know.
My city redefined the boundaries of uselessness, and we're not f**king ashamed. But we should be. Especially by our MP, the kind of twat who goes naked at festivals, despite having a two-inch f***ing penis! You've got so much to be f***ing ashamed of, wanker! F***ing hell!

[3/21/2002 5:17:18 AM | Jenna L]
I know, four entires in one day is pretty extreem. But Its a bad insomnia night.
You know what truly amazes me, if I can get all serious on this place for a moment. I sat here for about ten minutes and simply refreshed the main blogger page over and over, and in that time a countless number of these journals were updated. I mean I read some stuff that was just, well heartbreaking in place, weird in others, ruder than me, depressing, fantastic. Those were just the ones I had a look at, catchy titles and the like. I have to say at least 100 Journals were updated in five minutes accross the world.
Theres something rather amazing about that. While I sit here tip tapping away and jotting down my random rants and weirdnesses, theres actually some kid in the middle of somewhere I cant pronounce, doing the same thing.
Only this kid is pouring his heart out over the violence going on in his family at that precise moment.

I'm not quite sure what to think about that, but its definitley some serious smelling salts for 5am in the morning. You always know theres millions upon millions of people writing on the net at any one time, but to watch it in action is kinda weird. Makes me feel really small and kinda sad in a way.
Theres probably a few million journals out there, with some of the most amazing thoughts ever put to...well I was gonna say pen to paper, but I guess html to...something....
All these amazing people and we'll miss them.

Think I'm gonna go look up a few random blogs, see what gems I unearth. Dont think i'll ever get any sleep tonight.

I miss Phil. Damn him to hell.

[3/21/2002 1:45:42 AM | Jenna L]
So I swear too much apparently. Who knew.
I did think maybe I would try and go an entire entry without using any naughty words, might be some kind of perverse challenge for me or something. But then I kinda decided...where would be the f**king fun in that?

But actually today I dont have all that much to complain about. Just usual daily grind of looking for a better job than the one I have right now (which isnt all bad i'll give it that, but then dont we all strive toward something a little more 'you' ....f**k knows i'll never be the next Kubrick or Cameron...dont have the downstairs equipment for one thing, dont have the movie equipment for another...but hey we can dream) ...and where the frell was I?

Ah yes, daily grind, blah blah blah frikin blah.

You know what really galls me? about two months ago I had this job interview and it went really well and I was told I had the job. They would call me on monday with my hours.
Right-O, I buggared off home all pleased with myself. Monday comes....nothing.
Tuesday....no ringing phones.
Wednesday....i'm beginning to hear things ringing, but never the phone.
Thursday....I could swear the corn cob was ringing, but still no phone call.
Friday...call them...."This number is no longer in service."

F***ING HELL!!
So this band of nonces go hiring people and then lose their phone line and for all I knew, their company had gone down the plughole and I wasnt about to make that half hour drive down to go see em. Sod them. I got another job.
But today.....to-frikin-day...I recieved a phone call from them asking me why I had never f**king turned up!!

"Holy rusty clawhammers batman, what-in-the-blue-hell happened to you lot?!" I yell.
"Oh we moved offices."

Right....dont think to actually do anything f**king sensible like actually f**king TELL your f**king STAFF that youre moving f**king buildings or anything...oh no that would be too much like running a business.
You absolute boundry-breaking twats!

People annoy me.

So much for not swearing eh....

[3/20/2002 12:05:34 AM | Jenna L]
Firstly I have to say that George Michaels new single 'Freek' is officially one of my favorite songs of the year so far. I just love it. Unusual considering i'm a metal chick by trade. Speaking of which Marilyn Mansons new single is out this week, I must get myself off to my local record store tomorrow.

Anyways, my pet peeve of the the day....

I spend a lot of time at my friends tattoo shop just helping out and hanging about and I see a lot of real twats come and go. Y'know the type, wannabe hardmen. Well today I came so close to homicide.
I had to sit for 4 of the most f**king boring hours of my life while this customer sat and had his 'Born Bad' bulldog tattoo (oh for f**ks sakes, boys...its not big and its not clever, believe me you are the laughing stock of the f**king tattoo world when you come in and ask for these tats, you losers)
Not only was this man possibly the greasiest specimine of wankerdom...I mean this guy had half the worlds supply of oil in his hair and had someone lit a cigarette within a four mile radius of where we were sitting i'm sure the entire f**king world would have gone up in flames. Not only that, but he was the kind of ignorant freak you read about in only the most boring of books.
He sat there, all macho like, and complained solidy for his entire 4 hours about women. And how pathetic we are and how meek and stupid we are. See he had just split up with his girlfriend because she was 'so f**king stupid I'm sure my I.Q's dropped since i've known her.'
Not only that, but he had this to say about what he finds attractive in a prospective girlfriend. "I like them to be strong, witty and not preoccupied with my music...and it's very important that they laugh at my bad jokes."

Ahem....

Well, I hate to f***ing worry you, Brad, but that f***ing sounds like me! I'm certainly strong, I've got a f***ing clever way with words and as the f***ing Lord is my witness, I am not preoccupied with the music of a f***ing greasy haired nonce like yourself! Plus, I had a hearty f***ing laugh at the very bad joke indeed that was your f***ing business card before lobbing it out of the f***ing window! So, what say we get together and I give you the shafting you so richly f***ing deserve, big boy?

I hate wankers.

[3/19/2002 1:40:34 AM | Jenna L]
Perusing my Sunday newspaper, I was intrigued to come across a feature entitled "My Favourite Places", which this week was given over to some wench that is apparently a singer called Suzanne Vega (sounds familiar, cant place her which either means she's completely shite or hasnt made a record in forever....or something else). She listed as her favourite places East Harlem and Liverpool which, with their grey, bleak, post-industrial environments, "are not beautiful in the conventional sense but have a certain rough charm about them".

Well shove a clarinet up my ass, "a certain rough charm"? It makes you wonder why every f***er from East Harlem or Liverpool has f***ed off from the place the moment they had enough cash for a one-way ticket! And where does Suzanne live? California! Poor little f***er, stranded in Beverly Hills, staring down along Sunset Boulevard, wishing she was in f***ing Liverpool! You like Liverpool? Go f***ing live there, you mousey, patronising, whimsical, airheaded, overpaid, undertalented, perversely sadistic tourist in other people's f***ing misery! Count the number of seconds till the "rough charm" of f***ing Toxteth wears off.

Then I turn to the next page and what do I see? Lorraine Kelley. Now this is some stupid old tart from nowhere that got a shit job on a shittier TV show and now she thinks shes some kind of authority on...well...just about f***ing everything. I hate this woman.
This week she has an opinion about my personal favorite actress Angelina Jolie and her having adopted a foreign baby with husband Billy Bob. According to high and mighty Lorraine, they shouldnt be adopting foreign babies, they should be doing something worthwhile like donating money to nurseries and schooling.
Well, you stupid f**kwit, you could try checking out your facts before you write toss in a newspaper. Angelina and Billy Bob found said child while helping frikin well build a frikin nursery with their money. So get the feck off of your high horse Lorraine, and maybe use some of YOUR bloody money to help someone out...stop spending it all of dresses that make you look like a f***in pudding. You complain about disliking the photos of Angelina and baby?! Well I most definately dislike you appearing in f***ing photos! I put that f***ing page in last week's paper in the bottom of my budgie's cage and now it's so f***ing traumatised, its feathers have fallen out and it keeps hopping from perch to perch squawking "F***ing hell! F***ing hell!" in a markedly stressful manner! You're as ugly as both ends of a two-arsed sausage dog!

Leave my Angie alone!!

Can you tell nothings actually happening in *my* life right now?!

[3/6/2002 5:47:03 AM | Jenna L]
I just spent many many hours sorting this damned thing out. There...doesnt it look pretty. All nice and organised and colourful. Just ripe for absolutley buggar all people to look at it.
Ah well, such is life.

[3/5/2002 10:22:18 PM | Jenna L]
You know what pisses me off?
Actors in run of the mill TV shows that believe theyre the next Al Pacino.
A small gripe I know but I am just beginning to reach the end of my teather with one show that I used to quite enjoy. See theres this Brit show down here, pretty much a cult soap that I watch from time to time and rather like. But right now it is being spoiled by one actor plays a character called Mark Fowler. A more miserable bastard cannot be found on TV. All week this week Marks been talking in this soft voice using an acting style so reminiscent of George the hippo, somebody should really tell him: "Its not King Lear, so just say your lines and F*** off!"
Alas though he is such an integral part of the story right now it appears we are doomed to suffer his mumbling self-indulgence for all eternity.
Ah well, a minor inconvenience to my TV viewing pleasure.
As far as life goes today I had the misfortune of bumping into an old school friend whom I had prayed to high heaven that I would never see again. There she stood beside me in Woolworths in all her slut-bag-ho'ishness, behaving exactly as she did all those years ago with her breasts exposed to all the world and a giggle that reminded me somewhat of a drowning pig.
See when I use the term 'friend' i'm using it so losely.....I only ever spent time with this girl when I was forced to, and then I usually vomited.
Today she wanted us to be like old pals, and desperatley wanted me to go for a drink with her.
When I told her I dont drink anymore she sort of pouted and looked all sorry for me then said: "Awww, shame" in her most glass scratchingly annoying voice.
I had to bite my tongue from telling her in the get up she was in, she looked like a heroin addict of some years. Honestly, Victorian women have emerged from wooden bathing caravans looking more up for it then her.
She told me to keep in touch.
Shuh.....sure....Blech.

Grand delusion of the week goes to my ex boss who complained to me that his staff hated him because he dropped the letter H when he spoke.
Wrong, they hate him because he's a pile of shit.

There, think thats all for today.
I do feel better.

[3/3/2002 7:36:05 PM | Jenna L]
Oh lawdy, look what I just found...

Somebody's moggy by the side of the road
Somebody's pussy who forgot his highway code
Someone's favorite feline who ran clean out of luck
When he ran on to the road and tried to argue with a truck
Yesterday he purred and played in his pussy paradise
Decapitating tweety birds and masticating mice
Now he's just six pounds of raw mincemeat that don't smell very
nice
He's nobody's moggy now.

All you who love your pussy be sure to keep him in
Don't let him argue with a truck, the truck is bound to win
And upon the busy road, don't let him play or frolic
If you do I'm warning you it could be CATastrophic
If he tries to play on the roadway, I'm afraid that will be that
There will be one last despairing MEOW! and a sort of squelchy
splat
And your pussy will be slightly dead and very, very flat
He's nobody's moggy, just red and squashed and soggy
He's nobody's moggy now.

Well, I love cats....but that was funny *teehee*

3/3/2002 7:15:50 PM | Jenna L]
I know I know, I havent made an entry in a while. There is a reason for this and a very good one at that. I gave up smoking!! Yey me, I am officially a smoke free zone, you can see me without having to wave a small fan about in front of you to clear away the drifts of smoke.
Well I for one am proud.
Other than that my life blows goats right now. I just split up from my moronic twat faced boyfriend and I can tell you right here and now I am no happy bunny about it. The buggar had the cheek to say to me "oh woman please SHUT UP!" when he was asked a perfectly simple question.
Mmmmm, disrespect and his own blind ignorance all rolled in to one. I can see he was a great catch. So glad I wasted a year and a bit of my life on him. Yippee-woop-de-fuckin-do.
So I am now taking a break from that dating world, its all a bunch of balls anyway and I've pretty much had all I can take of right now. I am simply going to sit back and languish in the bliss that is singledom, where I can do as I please whenever I please and not have to worry about some monkey and what he's thinking.
I'm taking great pleasure in sitting here right now in my sweatpants without make up, and just doing things you wouldnt normally do with a guy around. (Wouldnt you like to know, lift thee mind from gutter at once)

So anyway, I shall from here on make a greater attempt to keep this diary going. Any of you that read it....well...sorry.
If it makes you feel any better I do hear a high percentage of the population have suicidal impulses quite regularly. Well you'd have to be one of them if you read this crap.

Until then....

[1/21/2002 6:09:51 AM | Jenna L]
I'm still awake and you wouldnt believe the advert I just saw on the TV. It was for electrical safety in the home and featured two elderly people laying down for a kinky night in on an electric blanket. Cut to morning and it showed the two old guys burnt to a crisp, a caption quickly came up telling us to remember to switch off electrical appliances when we go to bed.

Dammit, am I the only one that likes to go to sleep with the radio on? Little do we know that lovely expensive hi-fi in the corner could have me marked for death. I think I shall now spend the rest of my day wandering around the house painting small 'skull and crossbones' logo's onto everything. Just for giggles y'know. It's a cruel, strange world. You've gotta love it.

[1/21/2002 5:40:15 AM | Jenna L]
So it's 5.30am and I find myself starting one of these online diary things. Why? because I can. Because I'm bored and have sod all else to do. Because it's just the kind of abnormal thing I find myself doing when I havent had a cigarette in seven hours and the shop's not open for me to get any coffee from.

The big question is this: What in the blue hell goes into this thing, and will anyone actually read it?
I can answer neither but if you're reading it right now, hi!

I say my life is crazed and thats nothing short of true, I have the strangest things happen to me for no good reason and I seem to live my life in a terminal state of befuddlement. Take today for instance. A normal Sunday in anyone elses life but for me it involved a car battery, a lot of walking, a fight with a shopkeeper and getting very, very rained on. It's a long and depressing story but needless to say, the end of the day didnt bring any relief. The cars still busted, I never did get my money from the bank and I am still without cigarettes. My hair is still soggy too. Hate that.

So what else for this prestigious first entry?
A little about me: I'm a girly, I'm in my twenties and I'm from England. It rains a lot here. You'll probably hear a lot about that in the future. I have a darling boyfriend that we shall simply name P for now. He drives me loopy 90% of the time but hey, he looks like Fred Durst so what the hell (I love him dearly really, if I ever complain, take no notice). I have an active online life, run various groups and the like but I'm not going to mention them here, not right away anyway.
A lot of people believe the lowest form of wit is sarcasm. Not me, I love it and use it to its fullest.

I think that'll do for now, like I say its 5.40 in the morning now and I shouldnt be allowed to even be awake, let alone writing a diary. So i'll end it here for today. No doubt something whacked out will happen later, and it will appear on here.

Until then....

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