I have come to the rather underwhelming conclusion that I am in fact a total tosser.
That aside its 3.45am and I just watched the milkman crash his little 3 wheeler piece of tin crap van into a lampost and spill his milk, rendering him far more of a tosser than me. But oh how i laughed.
The fact that i'm a tosser doesnt actually come as huge news to me and I doubt it does for anyone else seeing as how 99% of the worlds population is a total f**kwit and that other 1% need stapling to railtracks and beheading by the reality police.
For instance. The contestants on this years UK Big Brother. We're down to the last six and what a thrilling bunch they are. While in Australia the big brother contestants are having wanking contests, and in South Africa theyre coming up with new and improved ways to burn each others eyeballs out... here in the UK we're having... wait for it.... a beard growing contest!
What f**king rivetting television it is to. Sat there for hours on f**king end watching some tossfaces chin stubble grow. This is the best the UK can come up with and to be honest it doesnt surprise me in the least.
So we're left with Nush, Steph, Lisa (youre so a man), Scott, Ray and Cameron. F**k me sideways with a brillo pad you lot would be first against the wall if there was a revolution. Nush is desperately trying to prove that she isnt some kind of blonde airhead.
Take it from me, a professional, Nush youre a total f**king moron.
Steph, the amazing rabbit girl with teeth the druids could use as a place of worship, get off my screen you waste of skin.
The rest of them arent even interesting enough to lull me into a state of apathy.
Five minutes watching Big Brother South Africa and youre already staring at someones innards, be it a girl getting shagged or a guy puking his guts out.
No, in the UK, we have a beard growing contest.
I'm so proud of this country. The country that is planning on banning page 3 girls from 'The Sun' in case it offends anybody. WELL DONT BUY THE F**KING SUN THEN!!
Who ARE these mystery people that seem to be so offended by everything? if the only people offended by everything in this country are f**king asylum seekers I swear to god i'll be the first out there with my sniper rifle going postal.
If its not... then who the f**k is it? why do the british feel the need to complain about every single little f**king thing. There's a war going on in Iraq, hundreds of people are being gassed and massacred, soldiers are dying, theres countries starving to death.
What do we do?
Run to our mommies... waaaaaaaaah, theres a topless girl in a newspaper.
A newspaper they dont even read, no less. The only people that buy the Sun are the people that want to see naked breasts. *Raises hand* (what, I work in a male dominated industry i'm bound to get used to seeing them, and I have some all of my very own!).
So are there really people out there that pick up the Sun over all other newspapers on the shelves (and believe me theres f**king hundreds, my local newsagents so small you f**king drown in them when you step through the door, the managers there but all you can see is his hand sticking out of the drift as he wails for help) they pick up the Sun... open it up and go 'AAAAAAAAAAH NIPPLES!!!'... throw it down in disgust but buy it anyway just so they can complain. Then potter off home with their copy of the Times or some bollocks.
No christmas lights in areas of london in case muslims are offended.
The red cross can no longer display its logo in case some religion or other is offended.
We cant fly our own countries flag in case someones offended.
No nudity, no sex, no swearing, no smoking in public, no sex in public, no giving someone a funny look, no peeing in the street, no meat, no artifical preservatives or colouring, no drinking, no fighting, no fun, no talking, no looking, no watching, no talking to strangers, no sweets (theyre bad for you), no leather (its animal!), no short skirts, no trainers, no football colours, no balls, no skating, no parking, no chewing gum, no littering, no feeding the ducks, no loitering, no aerosols, no shouting, no parking on a double yellow and only on a single yellow between 3 & 6pm, no crossing, wait till the green man flashes, no pokemon (if only), no ball games, no lorries beyond this point, height restriction, weight restriction, no people over size 16, no body hair, no breasts, no nudity, no erect male (and only male) penis on television thankyou, no bad words before the watershed, no adverts with alcohol before the watershed, no advert with someone shaking their ass before the watershed, no christmas lights, no partying, no crosses in public, no shooting, no knives, no weapons of any kind, no trespassing, nobody beyond this point, no waiting, no prams, exit only, no feeding the animals, no petting the dogs, dont speak to the police officer, no getting in the way of a police car, no buying dirty magazines under 18....
IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN F**KING DO IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN SHITHOLE?!!
Tony Blair... youre a total f**king c**t. And I dont use that word often, I saved it especially for you asshair.
We dont need babysitting.
And i'm definitely not helping that f**kshit milkman pick up his bottles.
No helping.
Goodnight.
